Dreams and passions are often closer than we believe... and with our eyes so focused on the "future" we miss the budding flower that has sprung up right before our eyes. In this moment, I will not be found amiss.
I feel like I have settled down with a marriage proposal, realizing the inevitable that is right before my eyes... and that the commitment that I have made will be for the rest of my life. It's like getting cold feet right before your wedding, except this isn't my wedding and my feet aren't exactly cold, because they've already gotten a little bit wet with the prospect of my future. I am realizing right here in this moment that God is bringing me full force into my destiny, and the more days that pass the closer I realize I am to what God has been speaking into me since the beginning. How did I end up here, and how did my life go from a train wreck waiting to happen to walking in the fullness of grace? How His mercy abounds so greatly in our lives!
My passion for this generation has been fueled by the hurting and the lost that are out there, and mostly for the young girls and women that are out there without a hope in the world. For the last nearly 3-4 years my venue has been a church building every Wednesday and Saturday-Sunday, and the occasional high school lunch table meeting. And although there are dark places inside of both of those walls I knew that there were darker places that God was calling me to... there were back alleys, houses and clubs where that darkness was so thick that one's eyes might not see the possibility to move in love and grace. But I know the possibilities are endless, God is just waiting for one to stand up and say "Send me, I'll go." Just as Isaiah had his experience with the glory of God in chapter 6, I knew that I wanted a similar commissioning... I just wasn't sure if I could handle the whole "near-death-I-just-saw-God" experience, after all, I am an American, and those kinds of experiences aren't really talked about in church... let alone anywhere that I know of.
So anyways, God reveals unto Isaiah how unworthy he is and that his lips are unclean and just shows him really who's Boss... and after letting Isaiah know what's up He says to him "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" and Isaiah says "Here I am! Send me." And from the temple God sends him out full of the fear and I believe, love of God. And thus began my prayer of God commissioning me to go out and do what HE wanted me to do... not of my own will, or of any of the influencer's in my life... but truly what HE wanted. It was funny that after praying that prayer he not only commissioned me, but saved me too... yes, friend you heard me right... I got saved. My life's desire has been that to show love to a lost and broken world... but before I could do that, God had to show His love to a lost and broken me.
Enter my commissioning/salvation story:
On December 27th, 2009 I left on a trip to Kansas City and IHOP (International House of Prayer) to go to the OneThing09 Conference with Jen and Jacob, two of my spiritual parents and leaders from Heartland. It was a complete God appointment that I was even able to get a week off of work with nearly no notice, but I was headed for a full-on encounter with a God that I had NEVER encountered before, even in my deliverance from drugs. I got there not expecting that God was going to do more than just let me leave with another conference "high"... He was going to make sure that I walked out of that center with a life change, and so much so that I would NEVER be going back... after all, is that not true salvation? Anyways, to make a long story short, Misty Edwards preached on December 29th, 2009 about the amazing love of the Father, something that I had never connected with. I don't remember much else from her message, but that there was a lot of love there, and that I wanted to know this God... I wanted to know the God of love that came and gave His ONLY son for me... a love that stretched out his arms and died. That night after she preached with such mercy, grace and love on her life, I went down to the altar, not knowing the deep work that God was about to do in my life. I didn't listen to the altar-call requirements, I just knew that when I went forward God was going to do something in my life that I had been searching for for a long time, but just didn't know how to access it. There at the front of that conference center I was smacked by heaven... my heart was weighed down with something entirely new, and so out of the norm for what I was used to. Love. There on that floor in front of 20,000 people God decided to do a deep heart work on me. He saved me. My relationship for the last 3 years prior to this moment had been on the basis that I "knew" Him, and I am entirely certain that He did not, in those times, know me. My works and religion had stolen me away before I could even encounter the Father. The walls came crashing down like someone had put dynamite all around my heart and scheduled to set it off right at that very moment. I was broken... with a purpose.
On December 29th, 2009 I found my purpose, and my destiny was made clear. I was made to love, and be loved by Him. My idea of evangelizing and sharing the gospel had changed, and my every moment was now consumed by the FURIOUS love that overtook my life one night in December. The gospel was no longer head knowledge or how much I could go back and forth between the unbeliever, but rather the gospel message was a message of love... a message of hope and redemption, just like he found me there on the floor of that conference center. In fact I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt it was not the scriptures that I had already memorized that saved me in that moment, but rather it was the drawing of the Spirit unto the Father, and His love that redeemed me from the place that I was in. And just like Isaiah I was picked up from the place that I was in... and commissioned with a new message to share with His children; love.
Love is the motivating force behind the commissioning upon my life. I know that in the darkest places love shines the brightest and through the fear and the doubt I will press on knowing that it's the love of Christ that redeems all from the darkness that we are all in at some point or another. This love will reach the girl that feels like she has nowhere to turn. This love will reach the girl that has never been loved by any human being before. This love will go to the alleys, houses and clubs and it will break down all walls because I know that it's this love that was the motivating force behind the Cross of Jesus.
So here I stand, in reality a newly saved person, yet not a babe in Christ... and this ocean is massive before me... and the grains of sand that are but people upon the shores need to know this love that God has ready and available for everyone. Our eyes have yet to truly see this man who is full of love that burns with fire in His eyes... and He desires us to see.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
be angry. sin not.
I am caught up by something very interesting at the very moment that has, truthfully, gotten the better of me.
At OneVoice (our college and career ministry at Heartland) last night Pastor Jeff said something very intriguing in his message that has been on my mind for the last 24hrs. He said, paraphrased of course, that our anger is a sign of our immaturity. Immediately of course I thought of how often I get angry at small things... and I was admittedly ashamed at what I thought was a sign of my immaturity, but is that right? I am not coming against my pastor by any means, but I know that we are supposed to study to show ourselves approved... and so I've been on a hunt. The verse that sticks out to me the most is Ephesians 4:26 in which Paul quotes Psalm 4:4 to the church in Ephesus.
"26"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold."
So I get angry, and willfully, I do not sin. But I wonder how many times I have, and not even realized it... and here Paul says we are then giving the devil a foothold. Are my ankles now tied because of the anger that I have allowed to rise up on so many occasions? There are so many instances where I can literally feel the anger rise up from my feet to my head, and before I can (sometimes) stop it I realize that I am acting upon what I have been trying to stifle, and get rid of.
I get angry with customers at work for short-siding me, I get angry with my roommates when they don't take out the trash, or when our apartment is dirty. I get angry when "Christians" say one thing and do another. Sometimes I just get angry. Most people in my life are probably astonished at what I am saying right now because they don't see me get visibly angry, but there are those who have seen and heard what comes out when I do. I do not like this person, but I know that there will be a time when it is used for righteousness. Like Jesus in the temple with the change makers, he was righteously over throwing tables and literally walking around with a whip lashing things... he was ANGRY, and rightfully so. The more I desire to look like Jesus, the more I notice that he is giving me emotions that he walked out here on this earth, and anger is the only one that I am having trouble with.
So back to the footholds business... as I was reading this in Ephesians I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me about a vision that he had showed me last night. In this vision I was sitting in a beautiful garden at the base of a tree. I had this vision once before and in that vision I knew that there was someone walking close to me and I could hear footsteps beside me, crunching blades of grass as they walked. When I looked up to my left I saw Jesus standing there with open arms waiting to embrace me, but in this vision I couldn't hear the footsteps that I was longing to hear. I instantly had knowledge that Jesus was standing behind me, behind the tree, waiting for me to get up and walk to him. And although I was now aware of this knowledge I remained sitting at the base of the tree with a deep longing in my heart to get up and see my Savior, but the longing in my heart was shut up by the fact that I was just feeling too lethargic to move. In my heart I decided that despite my lack of feeling I would get up and see the man that was waiting on me to move. As I stood I realized that there were two shackles around both of my ankles, binding me to the place that I was at. In the vision I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what the shackles were for, and how I could remove them. There was no response on why they were there, but I suddenly had a red pair of scissors in my hand (sometimes I just love God's imagery) and I knew that I had to cut them off with the scissors. In my carnal mind I said out loud "scissors, really?" as though God were joking with me... I mean these were serious metal shackles here around my ankles. Instantly after my statement of doubt I heard "oh ye of little faith..." slap in the tush right? Yeah. So, red scissors in hand, I cut off the right shackle from my ankle with such ease as though the metal were paper. Then I stopped... I felt inside again that I just didn't want to do this... I did not want to cut the left one off of my ankle and inside I felt myself say "do you really want to do this? do you really want to let this go?" Stupid questions. Of course I do!! So I cut it off and I go to move... and I realize that there is another shackle tied to my waist, and I am simply going nowhere. Without giving it a second thought I cut this one off... and long story short I get to Jesus and as I am standing with him he says "it is finished..."
Amazingly moving God/Jesus moment, and I was transformed... but I still couldn't figure out why I had to cut myself free. Until I read Ephesians 4:26... my feet were being held to the place I was in and I could not move. I know that "foothold" doesn't necessarily mean "foot hold" but what the Holy Spirit spoke to me was that I was allowing my anger to hold me in the place that I was in... and agreeing with my anger in the moments that I was angry was the devil's foothold over me. My very anger and resentment over situations and events in my day to day life were keeping me from running to my Jesus, the one place that I ALWAYS want to be able to go to. I have noticed that more and more I am getting angry, and I was just allowing it to take over everything inside of me, and as I was crying out to God about how much I hate deserts He showed me how I got myself there. I had been the one to tie the very shackles around my ankles when I came into the agreement with the devil over the anger that I felt rising up. In God's mercy and grace he allowed me to see that I was keeping myself tied to one place, and although I could "feel" the very presence of Jesus, I could not turn and face him like I had desired. It's in these moments where we feel the most heart wrenched and we often don't know or understand why. But our fleshly anger keeps us from the very face of God.
So I guess that it is a sign of immaturity, and not in my physical age here on this earth, but in my walk with Jesus. I can speak of love and mercy and righteousness all day long, but if I do not know how to redirect my anger and frustrations it does me no good. My spiritual maturity got a swift kick in the tush forward, and I'm beyond thankful for it.
At OneVoice (our college and career ministry at Heartland) last night Pastor Jeff said something very intriguing in his message that has been on my mind for the last 24hrs. He said, paraphrased of course, that our anger is a sign of our immaturity. Immediately of course I thought of how often I get angry at small things... and I was admittedly ashamed at what I thought was a sign of my immaturity, but is that right? I am not coming against my pastor by any means, but I know that we are supposed to study to show ourselves approved... and so I've been on a hunt. The verse that sticks out to me the most is Ephesians 4:26 in which Paul quotes Psalm 4:4 to the church in Ephesus.
"26"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold."
So I get angry, and willfully, I do not sin. But I wonder how many times I have, and not even realized it... and here Paul says we are then giving the devil a foothold. Are my ankles now tied because of the anger that I have allowed to rise up on so many occasions? There are so many instances where I can literally feel the anger rise up from my feet to my head, and before I can (sometimes) stop it I realize that I am acting upon what I have been trying to stifle, and get rid of.
I get angry with customers at work for short-siding me, I get angry with my roommates when they don't take out the trash, or when our apartment is dirty. I get angry when "Christians" say one thing and do another. Sometimes I just get angry. Most people in my life are probably astonished at what I am saying right now because they don't see me get visibly angry, but there are those who have seen and heard what comes out when I do. I do not like this person, but I know that there will be a time when it is used for righteousness. Like Jesus in the temple with the change makers, he was righteously over throwing tables and literally walking around with a whip lashing things... he was ANGRY, and rightfully so. The more I desire to look like Jesus, the more I notice that he is giving me emotions that he walked out here on this earth, and anger is the only one that I am having trouble with.
So back to the footholds business... as I was reading this in Ephesians I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me about a vision that he had showed me last night. In this vision I was sitting in a beautiful garden at the base of a tree. I had this vision once before and in that vision I knew that there was someone walking close to me and I could hear footsteps beside me, crunching blades of grass as they walked. When I looked up to my left I saw Jesus standing there with open arms waiting to embrace me, but in this vision I couldn't hear the footsteps that I was longing to hear. I instantly had knowledge that Jesus was standing behind me, behind the tree, waiting for me to get up and walk to him. And although I was now aware of this knowledge I remained sitting at the base of the tree with a deep longing in my heart to get up and see my Savior, but the longing in my heart was shut up by the fact that I was just feeling too lethargic to move. In my heart I decided that despite my lack of feeling I would get up and see the man that was waiting on me to move. As I stood I realized that there were two shackles around both of my ankles, binding me to the place that I was at. In the vision I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what the shackles were for, and how I could remove them. There was no response on why they were there, but I suddenly had a red pair of scissors in my hand (sometimes I just love God's imagery) and I knew that I had to cut them off with the scissors. In my carnal mind I said out loud "scissors, really?" as though God were joking with me... I mean these were serious metal shackles here around my ankles. Instantly after my statement of doubt I heard "oh ye of little faith..." slap in the tush right? Yeah. So, red scissors in hand, I cut off the right shackle from my ankle with such ease as though the metal were paper. Then I stopped... I felt inside again that I just didn't want to do this... I did not want to cut the left one off of my ankle and inside I felt myself say "do you really want to do this? do you really want to let this go?" Stupid questions. Of course I do!! So I cut it off and I go to move... and I realize that there is another shackle tied to my waist, and I am simply going nowhere. Without giving it a second thought I cut this one off... and long story short I get to Jesus and as I am standing with him he says "it is finished..."
Amazingly moving God/Jesus moment, and I was transformed... but I still couldn't figure out why I had to cut myself free. Until I read Ephesians 4:26... my feet were being held to the place I was in and I could not move. I know that "foothold" doesn't necessarily mean "foot hold" but what the Holy Spirit spoke to me was that I was allowing my anger to hold me in the place that I was in... and agreeing with my anger in the moments that I was angry was the devil's foothold over me. My very anger and resentment over situations and events in my day to day life were keeping me from running to my Jesus, the one place that I ALWAYS want to be able to go to. I have noticed that more and more I am getting angry, and I was just allowing it to take over everything inside of me, and as I was crying out to God about how much I hate deserts He showed me how I got myself there. I had been the one to tie the very shackles around my ankles when I came into the agreement with the devil over the anger that I felt rising up. In God's mercy and grace he allowed me to see that I was keeping myself tied to one place, and although I could "feel" the very presence of Jesus, I could not turn and face him like I had desired. It's in these moments where we feel the most heart wrenched and we often don't know or understand why. But our fleshly anger keeps us from the very face of God.
So I guess that it is a sign of immaturity, and not in my physical age here on this earth, but in my walk with Jesus. I can speak of love and mercy and righteousness all day long, but if I do not know how to redirect my anger and frustrations it does me no good. My spiritual maturity got a swift kick in the tush forward, and I'm beyond thankful for it.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sangre De Cristo mountain top...
If my eyes were to strain anymore I'm not sure I'd see things any more clearly than I do right now, so I need to jot this down. My vacation wasn't so much time away for rest and relaxation as much as it was a period of realization and heartbreak. My mountain top experience has shown me that something deep within has been welling up for some time now. Standing on top of that mountain at 10,680ft above sea level I realized that my God, who made this mountain, is bigger than any of these problems or issues I have. I felt like a spec in the midst of a world that continues to spin, regardless of the issues I have going on. After all, He did craft the massive piece of rock that I was standing upon. It's just hard to see when everything seems to be crashing down.
My 5 days away from church and all of my friends showed me that there is a world out there, and they don't know my Jesus. It breaks my heart when I think that there is a generation and a nation that is walking through life, in all its aches and pains, without their Savior to come and sweep them off their feet. It scares me to think that there are so many going to Hell.
And before any of you guys go off thinking I'm condemning anyone to flames, I'm not. I am in fact broken over the fact that there are those out there that don't know this LOVE, they don't know this LIFE saving power. I should have been dead folks, and I deserved every flame in Hell... that is, until Jesus came and wiped it all away! I am not perfect by any stretch of the means, but through Christ I am being perfected daily. Do I mess up? Yes, but through Jesus and his Word I am renewing my mind constantly. I just wish that people could see, I wish that this nation could know... God is real, and hell is hot.
I believe in every word of the bible, but it breaks me in a million pieces when I read that there will be those that literally hate me for His name sake, and I believe it. In fact I've seen it, and I've felt it. The unfortunate part in this is that I hate to be hated, I want to be loved, and I want everyone to love Jesus. I want everyone to know his reality and that his newness is our good! If only we would call upon him and believe. Call me naive, but I guess I don't understand why there is a world that would want to willfully walk on without him. My misunderstanding is my hindrance I suppose.
Holy are you Lord... even in my storms. Be glorified!
My heart has been set ablaze for Him. My King has set hunger pains inside me for more of Him, and I cannot be satisfied until I see him face to face! Blessed are the hungry... He said it. I believe it. I want my hunger to be so contagious though. I want my family to see me on fire for God and know that they are missing something, that there is a love they have yet to experience and there is living waters to quench a thirst this world cannot cure. I want revival. I want love. But more than anything... I want Him. Take it all away, I don't care as long as I have Jesus. Someone greater is on my side.
I'll have to update this more frequently... until then read a blog that is worthy of noting, and pray for Ben and Katie, missionaries in Haiti from Dallas. www.benandkatieinhaiti.com
My 5 days away from church and all of my friends showed me that there is a world out there, and they don't know my Jesus. It breaks my heart when I think that there is a generation and a nation that is walking through life, in all its aches and pains, without their Savior to come and sweep them off their feet. It scares me to think that there are so many going to Hell.
And before any of you guys go off thinking I'm condemning anyone to flames, I'm not. I am in fact broken over the fact that there are those out there that don't know this LOVE, they don't know this LIFE saving power. I should have been dead folks, and I deserved every flame in Hell... that is, until Jesus came and wiped it all away! I am not perfect by any stretch of the means, but through Christ I am being perfected daily. Do I mess up? Yes, but through Jesus and his Word I am renewing my mind constantly. I just wish that people could see, I wish that this nation could know... God is real, and hell is hot.
I believe in every word of the bible, but it breaks me in a million pieces when I read that there will be those that literally hate me for His name sake, and I believe it. In fact I've seen it, and I've felt it. The unfortunate part in this is that I hate to be hated, I want to be loved, and I want everyone to love Jesus. I want everyone to know his reality and that his newness is our good! If only we would call upon him and believe. Call me naive, but I guess I don't understand why there is a world that would want to willfully walk on without him. My misunderstanding is my hindrance I suppose.
Holy are you Lord... even in my storms. Be glorified!
My heart has been set ablaze for Him. My King has set hunger pains inside me for more of Him, and I cannot be satisfied until I see him face to face! Blessed are the hungry... He said it. I believe it. I want my hunger to be so contagious though. I want my family to see me on fire for God and know that they are missing something, that there is a love they have yet to experience and there is living waters to quench a thirst this world cannot cure. I want revival. I want love. But more than anything... I want Him. Take it all away, I don't care as long as I have Jesus. Someone greater is on my side.
I'll have to update this more frequently... until then read a blog that is worthy of noting, and pray for Ben and Katie, missionaries in Haiti from Dallas. www.benandkatieinhaiti.com
Sunday, August 23, 2009
finding joy
Today has most certainly changed my life. In fact this last weekend of summer for my students has shown me more of God than I've seen in the last few months. With my head resting upon my pillow I find myself astonished before my eyes find sleep. My heart is just so peaceful and content in this moment, when in the last few weeks its felt tumultuous and battered. Don't ask me why, its just felt explosive inside for awhile.
I suppose I'll fill you in on why today has been so life changing... well today I was beyond blessed enough to witness God give joy back to one of my students that has been fervently seeking it for ages. I watched in an instant as God put a smile back on her face, and I literally felt heaven shake inside of my bones. Lauren has been through so much the last year, and I've watched (mostly silent) as she's had to feel her way through growing up. It hasn't been until the last month or so that we've gotten close enough to do life together. But I watched a broken and bruised girl void of the God joy she desired, turn into a woman full of the faith and profound joy of heaven. It was absolutely breathtaking.
The forward to this event would probably seem to make a lot of sense though... so here it goes. Nearly 9 months ago Lauren and I were at onevoice (the college and career service at our church) and there was an altar call for something, I don't recall now what it was for, I just knew that she needed something, and I wanted to pray. Thinking back on it now... we weren't very fond of each other at the moment, but still I wanted to touch God's heart for her. So! I ask her what she wants prayer for and she says for God to give her joy back. It was almost in an instant that God gave me eyes to see something in her that I had never seen. I saw her present self and this "smile" and "joy" weren't genuine, they weren't her's. Then it was like flash forward and I saw Lauren... Lauren as she was supposed to be. It was crazy! So that night was powerful, we prayed for joy, but that was about it. And I honestly forgot about it until today...
Everything was exactly how I saw it... except the smile on her face, it was ten times better in real life, face to face! There's something about watching the girl you've been praying for months turn to you and you just see God all over her. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to laugh or cry. My life was changed in that instant because I knew then what it was about not giving up on someone when they need you. Especially when it comes to bombarding heaven... I knew that God heard my prayers, but to what extent... I had no idea He listened so closely.
My heart has been expanded and filled with love today. I have been changed by witnessing one girl, on the brink of change, finally "get" it. God, that is. But the coolest part is watching the change, seeing the growth and knowing that one small commitment to just be there for someone can be the thing that changes it all!
God is so good, so faithful and just, and I am so crazy in love with the fact that I get to serve Him and His purpose!
Nothing will be the same.
I suppose I'll fill you in on why today has been so life changing... well today I was beyond blessed enough to witness God give joy back to one of my students that has been fervently seeking it for ages. I watched in an instant as God put a smile back on her face, and I literally felt heaven shake inside of my bones. Lauren has been through so much the last year, and I've watched (mostly silent) as she's had to feel her way through growing up. It hasn't been until the last month or so that we've gotten close enough to do life together. But I watched a broken and bruised girl void of the God joy she desired, turn into a woman full of the faith and profound joy of heaven. It was absolutely breathtaking.
The forward to this event would probably seem to make a lot of sense though... so here it goes. Nearly 9 months ago Lauren and I were at onevoice (the college and career service at our church) and there was an altar call for something, I don't recall now what it was for, I just knew that she needed something, and I wanted to pray. Thinking back on it now... we weren't very fond of each other at the moment, but still I wanted to touch God's heart for her. So! I ask her what she wants prayer for and she says for God to give her joy back. It was almost in an instant that God gave me eyes to see something in her that I had never seen. I saw her present self and this "smile" and "joy" weren't genuine, they weren't her's. Then it was like flash forward and I saw Lauren... Lauren as she was supposed to be. It was crazy! So that night was powerful, we prayed for joy, but that was about it. And I honestly forgot about it until today...
Everything was exactly how I saw it... except the smile on her face, it was ten times better in real life, face to face! There's something about watching the girl you've been praying for months turn to you and you just see God all over her. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to laugh or cry. My life was changed in that instant because I knew then what it was about not giving up on someone when they need you. Especially when it comes to bombarding heaven... I knew that God heard my prayers, but to what extent... I had no idea He listened so closely.
My heart has been expanded and filled with love today. I have been changed by witnessing one girl, on the brink of change, finally "get" it. God, that is. But the coolest part is watching the change, seeing the growth and knowing that one small commitment to just be there for someone can be the thing that changes it all!
God is so good, so faithful and just, and I am so crazy in love with the fact that I get to serve Him and His purpose!
Nothing will be the same.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Faith in Control
My excitement for the week was stifled by three simple words, and I don't know how to, in this moment, figure out where everything is going. It's so funny how we think we have everything figured out, and in a split second every planned moment of the future is changed. Some might say that is the beauty of God in control, but I say that it scares me. My deep rooted fear of God being in control of EVERYTHING has been screaming inside way too loud as of late. I am afraid of giving Him everything, because I'm scared that all my decisions up to now will become null and void.
My conscious mind tells me that I am clearly not making any sense... and I am left thinking that I'm the only christian that's ever walked through this sort of thing in my faith walk. I know I'm not, but why are we so quiet about being real? Why is it so rare to hear that someone is afraid to give God complete control? All I ever hear is that these saints never have any troubles, and life is peachy. Sad thing is, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is not in the slightest true.
On Thursday I got real. Over coffee and near tears I fought the desire to keep everything hidden, but I chose rather to let it go. I walked away knowing that people do go through these things, and I'm not nearly as insane as I thought I was. My mentor and I talked life together, and I was relieved to know that she's a real person that goes through real life things like I am too. I don't know why, but she helped me breathe a little. And as I said in my last post reminded me to put feet to my dreams. Part of that dream is giving God his control in my life, granted it's already his to begin with.
After thinking about all of this, I wonder if this is the problem with a generation. So often they have been left in control. Their parents have stepped back in most regards, other elders in their lives have stepped back... and basically gave them a ball and told them to do with it what they will. Funny thing is, as much as they like to be in control of everything, they are silently wishing for someone to come show them the way. I wonder if this all started with the latch-key generation... I can't help but think that the devil smirks when he sees a teenager think that they can do life on their own. Sadly without God in control we ultimately fail. Game over. I wonder what this generation would begin to look like if they realized suddenly WHO was in control after all. Is this the concept that one must get? The basic premise of faith?
After all faith in Hebrews 11 constantly speaks how people acted out in faith with the knowledge of who was in control. By faith Moses parted the Red Sea, without knowing God was in control, would have he even attempted the same feat? By faith Abraham offered up Isaac as a sacrifice unto the Lord... to the very point of the dagger hovering over his very flesh and blood, the promise of his inheritance's chest. Would Abraham ever even considered the possibility without first knowing without doubt that God was in control. No, I believe not.
I am just baffled by the obedience, even to death, that some of the characters in the bible went through with because they knew the control of God in their lives. I could go on and on about others doing the same, and I suppose they are just a testimony to the faith that I should have in my God being in control.
My conscious mind tells me that I am clearly not making any sense... and I am left thinking that I'm the only christian that's ever walked through this sort of thing in my faith walk. I know I'm not, but why are we so quiet about being real? Why is it so rare to hear that someone is afraid to give God complete control? All I ever hear is that these saints never have any troubles, and life is peachy. Sad thing is, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is not in the slightest true.
On Thursday I got real. Over coffee and near tears I fought the desire to keep everything hidden, but I chose rather to let it go. I walked away knowing that people do go through these things, and I'm not nearly as insane as I thought I was. My mentor and I talked life together, and I was relieved to know that she's a real person that goes through real life things like I am too. I don't know why, but she helped me breathe a little. And as I said in my last post reminded me to put feet to my dreams. Part of that dream is giving God his control in my life, granted it's already his to begin with.
After thinking about all of this, I wonder if this is the problem with a generation. So often they have been left in control. Their parents have stepped back in most regards, other elders in their lives have stepped back... and basically gave them a ball and told them to do with it what they will. Funny thing is, as much as they like to be in control of everything, they are silently wishing for someone to come show them the way. I wonder if this all started with the latch-key generation... I can't help but think that the devil smirks when he sees a teenager think that they can do life on their own. Sadly without God in control we ultimately fail. Game over. I wonder what this generation would begin to look like if they realized suddenly WHO was in control after all. Is this the concept that one must get? The basic premise of faith?
After all faith in Hebrews 11 constantly speaks how people acted out in faith with the knowledge of who was in control. By faith Moses parted the Red Sea, without knowing God was in control, would have he even attempted the same feat? By faith Abraham offered up Isaac as a sacrifice unto the Lord... to the very point of the dagger hovering over his very flesh and blood, the promise of his inheritance's chest. Would Abraham ever even considered the possibility without first knowing without doubt that God was in control. No, I believe not.
I am just baffled by the obedience, even to death, that some of the characters in the bible went through with because they knew the control of God in their lives. I could go on and on about others doing the same, and I suppose they are just a testimony to the faith that I should have in my God being in control.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
God is in the rain.
Yesterday I imagined life differently for a few moments. I closed my eyes, breathed in deep and immersed myself in a world that I knew that I'd never be a part of. I thought about life in paint brushes and canvases. I dreamed of pursuing my words to pieces of paper. I dreamt. And then I woke up. Do you know what its like to wake up, and yet feel like you still didn't get enough if what you needed while you were dreaming. Yeah, I know!
I challenge myself to pursue my dreams, but I know there are God dreams, and there's my dreams. Gifts and passions God has placed inside of me... to, I think, enjoy life a little bit more. To sit down and capture His sunset onto paper, or write about His stars that shine so clearly above me in the night. It hit me yesterday how lucky and blessed He has made me because He's given me the ability to capture something that others might not even take the time to see.
I just want to write it all down, and dream big, but someone very special to me reminded me of something powerful; until you put feet to your dreams, that's all they'll ever be. It's shaken me a bit, I must say... because although my head is here on earth, more often than not I am found dreaming. Head in clouds, and not wanting to come down. Today I think the plane landed, and I'd rather run than fly.
Here goes nothing.
Today I heard a song that I haven't heard in years, and it took me back... and reminded me of how I feel in these moments. I breathe.
I challenge myself to pursue my dreams, but I know there are God dreams, and there's my dreams. Gifts and passions God has placed inside of me... to, I think, enjoy life a little bit more. To sit down and capture His sunset onto paper, or write about His stars that shine so clearly above me in the night. It hit me yesterday how lucky and blessed He has made me because He's given me the ability to capture something that others might not even take the time to see.
I just want to write it all down, and dream big, but someone very special to me reminded me of something powerful; until you put feet to your dreams, that's all they'll ever be. It's shaken me a bit, I must say... because although my head is here on earth, more often than not I am found dreaming. Head in clouds, and not wanting to come down. Today I think the plane landed, and I'd rather run than fly.
Here goes nothing.
Today I heard a song that I haven't heard in years, and it took me back... and reminded me of how I feel in these moments. I breathe.
Monday, August 3, 2009
the rio
So, I have failed at my hopes and dreams of someday becoming famous via my super cool blog. For how can one be super cool if she never writes in said blog??!! Yeah. Epic fail!
Well this is all besides the point! I have temporarily retired my two-wheeled friend for something a little larger (literally "a little") and has four wheels! Wednesday will be my two week mark with my lovely little 2006 Kia Rio, and I couldn't be happier... well besides the fact that she currently has no radio! It has been such a sigh of releif to no longer ask for rides, or have to pedal/walk myself around in 800 degree Texas weather (and no, I am NOT exagerating!) Over-all life has been blissfully pleasant the last few weeks!
I have been challenging myself to write more, and it has changed a lot for me! Feeling the desire to sit down with a pen, some paper and my mind or heart really sets me ablaze, and I often forget how much of a creative release it is for me to just write. Sometimes I have no motive for what my pen strikes upon paper, and at other times I am motivated to write something great. It's that Gen Y desire in me to change the world. One verb at a time!!
I have been thinking about a lot of controversial topics currently, and writing about them, and so far I've only been brave enough to write about alcohol. I have found that students in general are drinking more prevalently than ever... and it honestly freaked me out when I learned that I knew some of them. Not because I wanted to condemn them... but because I know the damaging factors that lie within drinking and alcohol in general. So I wrote... and people discussed. I don't know what my next topic will be... I guess I'll see where the devil makes me mad next! Hah!!
Well off to officially start the day... at noon!
Well this is all besides the point! I have temporarily retired my two-wheeled friend for something a little larger (literally "a little") and has four wheels! Wednesday will be my two week mark with my lovely little 2006 Kia Rio, and I couldn't be happier... well besides the fact that she currently has no radio! It has been such a sigh of releif to no longer ask for rides, or have to pedal/walk myself around in 800 degree Texas weather (and no, I am NOT exagerating!) Over-all life has been blissfully pleasant the last few weeks!
I have been challenging myself to write more, and it has changed a lot for me! Feeling the desire to sit down with a pen, some paper and my mind or heart really sets me ablaze, and I often forget how much of a creative release it is for me to just write. Sometimes I have no motive for what my pen strikes upon paper, and at other times I am motivated to write something great. It's that Gen Y desire in me to change the world. One verb at a time!!
I have been thinking about a lot of controversial topics currently, and writing about them, and so far I've only been brave enough to write about alcohol. I have found that students in general are drinking more prevalently than ever... and it honestly freaked me out when I learned that I knew some of them. Not because I wanted to condemn them... but because I know the damaging factors that lie within drinking and alcohol in general. So I wrote... and people discussed. I don't know what my next topic will be... I guess I'll see where the devil makes me mad next! Hah!!
Well off to officially start the day... at noon!
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