I feel like I am walking out of a rehabilitation center today, and learning for the first time what it means to walk again without the assistance of crutches.
Though this statement make not make sense to most, I know that there are those out there that have felt my pain and discouragement. And though I have been reluctant to start walking things out again on my own... I will. Today I felt like God has released me from the heat of the center of the refiners fire, and allowing me to once again shine with the beauty that He created me for. I am overjoyed, yet terrified..
You are a diamond, beautiful and refined. It's time to shine.
The last four months of my life have been the absolute hardest that I have had to walk through since I have been redeemed. But I know that God works all things together for the good of those that love Him. I don't exactly understand why things transpire the way that they do, but I do know that He has me in the center of His hands. I will choose not to lean on my own understanding, but rather on His, the one that has so graciously loved me through every trial and tribulation.
I must say that I have learned so much, but the greatest of all is that I cannot lean on man to bring me through the tough times. And that those that you think will be there to walk you through a certain season aren't always the ones there walking with you through the fire. My heart has learned grief, sorrow and yet such great joy by walking through these moments, and I know it was all for my good. I have lost relationships that I thought would endure till the end, and I have regained those that I thought were lost forever. It's hard for the human heart to endure loss, but I know that Jesus himself lost even some that he was closest with. His heart's cry though, was to carry on despite the trial, and yet an even greater cry... "that they would be with me where I am."
My heart cannot fully comprehend the light that He has shown into my life lately, but I know that I see through a mirror dimly right now. I will understand one day. I will understand that every tear was not in vain, and I will see Him face to face. No more tears. No more pain. Standing before the King of Glory, I will be fully known and fully loved.
If I could say a word of encouragement to anyone that is walking through a trial or a test, it would be that you stay the course that you know He has planned for you. It may be hard to focus on the prize ahead, but remember that He is with you... even when you cannot see what is in front of you. Through the valley and through the pain, He is faithful until the very end. There may not be a single person walking with you through the darkness or the fire, but it is in those moments that He is closest to you.
God is close to those with a broken and contrite heart.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Nor do I condemn you.
I hear the words clearly in my ear today as I am thinking back on what has been, as of late, one of the hardest seasons of my life.
“Nor do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” John 8:11
My heart is filled with such hope and joy at the promise of a better tomorrow and fulfillment of the destiny that Jesus has placed within me. I have found such grief in the last three months over the realization that I could have learned all of the truth available to me, and yet still mess up. I don't understand sometimes the reasoning over the decisions that I have made in the past, but I do know that there is One who does know... and He knew the decisions before I even stepped forth.
I guess that I am writing this because I feel like self-condemnation has been my portion for the last few months and I am awakening today with a new revelation of the love and mercy of my Savior. And I know that I am not alone in having these feelings. My heart is reminded through so many stories in the gospels where Jesus stepped out and reached the ones that no one else wanted; the screw ups, the broken and the forgotten. All for the sake of love.
Nearly everyday I was waking up feeling like a failure... like I had ruined my entire calling because of one stupid decision. I was terrified and broken. Yet there He was running from the ninety-nine to grab the one. And like the woman caught in her sin, I saw the stones lying on the ground with no accuser to be found... and my heart beat with joy when I felt the love of Jesus shining through all of my mistakes. There I was standing before the throne of grace clothed once more in white garments. I am overjoyed.
Surely I love His leadership. He restores ALL things! Psalm 23:2 He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul.
I believe that the main ploy of the enemy would be to get us to believe that we are used up and washed out. His main purpose on this earth after all is to steal, kill and destroy, right? There is a righteous indignation that I can feel arising from my spirit against the time and emotions that the devil has stolen from me. I can no longer lie on my back and watch as he runs rampant in my life, and those that I love. Today I woke up with a commitment on my heart to forever engage in combat against the one that seeks to destroy me. I will fight. This realization isn't exactly something that I've ever heard in a sermon, but rather it is something that one can only learn if they have to walk through the trials and tribulations that produce character.
If I could say one thing to anyone that is going through a period of restoration, it would be that you keep seeking His face through the difficulties. You may feel like you have been crumpled up and thrown away, but God has a specialty and that is taking those that the world would deem not fit for ministry, and use them far beyond their wildest dreams and imaginations! I have not stepped into the fullness of my destiny yet, but I believe that God in His restorative power and grace can bring me farther than I could have ever thought of in the past. Until then, my heart burns with the burden of the Lord. And I know that in seeking His face I will see the fullness of my dreams come to fruition.
There is hope.
“Nor do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” John 8:11
My heart is filled with such hope and joy at the promise of a better tomorrow and fulfillment of the destiny that Jesus has placed within me. I have found such grief in the last three months over the realization that I could have learned all of the truth available to me, and yet still mess up. I don't understand sometimes the reasoning over the decisions that I have made in the past, but I do know that there is One who does know... and He knew the decisions before I even stepped forth.
I guess that I am writing this because I feel like self-condemnation has been my portion for the last few months and I am awakening today with a new revelation of the love and mercy of my Savior. And I know that I am not alone in having these feelings. My heart is reminded through so many stories in the gospels where Jesus stepped out and reached the ones that no one else wanted; the screw ups, the broken and the forgotten. All for the sake of love.
Nearly everyday I was waking up feeling like a failure... like I had ruined my entire calling because of one stupid decision. I was terrified and broken. Yet there He was running from the ninety-nine to grab the one. And like the woman caught in her sin, I saw the stones lying on the ground with no accuser to be found... and my heart beat with joy when I felt the love of Jesus shining through all of my mistakes. There I was standing before the throne of grace clothed once more in white garments. I am overjoyed.
Surely I love His leadership. He restores ALL things! Psalm 23:2 He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul.
I believe that the main ploy of the enemy would be to get us to believe that we are used up and washed out. His main purpose on this earth after all is to steal, kill and destroy, right? There is a righteous indignation that I can feel arising from my spirit against the time and emotions that the devil has stolen from me. I can no longer lie on my back and watch as he runs rampant in my life, and those that I love. Today I woke up with a commitment on my heart to forever engage in combat against the one that seeks to destroy me. I will fight. This realization isn't exactly something that I've ever heard in a sermon, but rather it is something that one can only learn if they have to walk through the trials and tribulations that produce character.
If I could say one thing to anyone that is going through a period of restoration, it would be that you keep seeking His face through the difficulties. You may feel like you have been crumpled up and thrown away, but God has a specialty and that is taking those that the world would deem not fit for ministry, and use them far beyond their wildest dreams and imaginations! I have not stepped into the fullness of my destiny yet, but I believe that God in His restorative power and grace can bring me farther than I could have ever thought of in the past. Until then, my heart burns with the burden of the Lord. And I know that in seeking His face I will see the fullness of my dreams come to fruition.
There is hope.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Lovesick.
My heart has been captivated by a love so strong and so pure, and it seems that as time goes by the intensity of this love only continues to grow. I am ruined forever... a lovesick one. By the world's standard I should have to do something in order for the love to continue growing, and that I should be in some way cultivating this love within my own means, but today I've had a powerful realization. If I never did a great deed ever again, this love would still continue to grow. Wow.
You see it's not because I'm in love with any man... but rather I'm in love with the Man! The One that peers over the balcony of heaven, and is ravished by just merely one glance of my eye. His heart beats in tune with mine, and I am certain that every thing that holds my gaze here on this earth, was placed by His loving hands to ensure that I would daily fall more in love with Him.
He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords. Some call him the Prince of Peace. Others call him a prophet, and some just a Nazarene. Not only is he all of the above to me, but he's also my Jesus. My bridegroom waiting for my arrival to the wedding, best friend and brother. He is my beauty, my redemption and my hope. Greater hope do I have now that I've found this greater love! Oh nothing can compare!
I am the rose, I am the lily. I am Your's, I'm Your beauty!
Over the last few years I have been enraptured in the thought of Jesus being the one that I love more than even my own life. I have scarcely understood the reality of those thoughts, and that He desires my whole affections. But there has been a great revelation that has taken place within my soul... he desires my LOVE and my love alone! He desires my being and my every dream. It is within this revelation that I have realized that when I pour out my all for my Jesus, he then in return, pours his all over me. He is taking care of every dream he's spoken into my spirit, and he will not let those promises fall to the ground. His promises really are yes and amen!
I believe with my whole heart that what Jesus has shown me is not just for me, but I believe that He desires that His bride would come into a revelation of his love and his steadfastness. What if every person in the body had an encounter with the very real love of God? And what if from there we went on to impact the world in anticipation of our Bridegroom's return? I know that everything would have to change, everything would be different.
Our love for the man Christ Jesus and knowledge of His great love will cause a great whirl-wind to sweep nations.
Abba, would you release wisdom and revelation over every person that is in your body. That they would understand the length, width, height and depth of your great love, and from that place they would step out into their sphere of influence to change the world. Jesus, I ask that you would take up your sons and daughters to show them your love and compassion over them. I ask for dreams and visions and for a great movement of love to sweep America and the world. Abba, will you awaken hearts... awaken minds, and send forth a tidal wave of love! In your Son's precious name. Amen.
You see it's not because I'm in love with any man... but rather I'm in love with the Man! The One that peers over the balcony of heaven, and is ravished by just merely one glance of my eye. His heart beats in tune with mine, and I am certain that every thing that holds my gaze here on this earth, was placed by His loving hands to ensure that I would daily fall more in love with Him.
He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords. Some call him the Prince of Peace. Others call him a prophet, and some just a Nazarene. Not only is he all of the above to me, but he's also my Jesus. My bridegroom waiting for my arrival to the wedding, best friend and brother. He is my beauty, my redemption and my hope. Greater hope do I have now that I've found this greater love! Oh nothing can compare!
I am the rose, I am the lily. I am Your's, I'm Your beauty!
Over the last few years I have been enraptured in the thought of Jesus being the one that I love more than even my own life. I have scarcely understood the reality of those thoughts, and that He desires my whole affections. But there has been a great revelation that has taken place within my soul... he desires my LOVE and my love alone! He desires my being and my every dream. It is within this revelation that I have realized that when I pour out my all for my Jesus, he then in return, pours his all over me. He is taking care of every dream he's spoken into my spirit, and he will not let those promises fall to the ground. His promises really are yes and amen!
I believe with my whole heart that what Jesus has shown me is not just for me, but I believe that He desires that His bride would come into a revelation of his love and his steadfastness. What if every person in the body had an encounter with the very real love of God? And what if from there we went on to impact the world in anticipation of our Bridegroom's return? I know that everything would have to change, everything would be different.
Our love for the man Christ Jesus and knowledge of His great love will cause a great whirl-wind to sweep nations.
Abba, would you release wisdom and revelation over every person that is in your body. That they would understand the length, width, height and depth of your great love, and from that place they would step out into their sphere of influence to change the world. Jesus, I ask that you would take up your sons and daughters to show them your love and compassion over them. I ask for dreams and visions and for a great movement of love to sweep America and the world. Abba, will you awaken hearts... awaken minds, and send forth a tidal wave of love! In your Son's precious name. Amen.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Without love.
What do you do?
I am so certain that we, as a church, are in a moment of dire calamity. It seems as though everywhere I look there is death and destruction. Ministry is no longer a show from a stage in a building, but rather a case of life and death... and unless we are awoken to the state of affairs we will miss out on the great opportunities that have been placed before us. There is a great plague that is killing off the children of God... and instead of being enraptured by the love of the Father, they are entangled in sin. And dying.
The last year of my life has been in witness of the fact that things have become drastic. Or maybe they've always been drastic, and my eyes were not yet open to that truth. As my feet have tread upon waters of uncertainty I have become brokenhearted as I've realized that I am the one that carries truth, and yet have kept it within the confines of my heart. Herein lies the greatest revelation... if He's in you, you've got to let Him out.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There has been a spurring of my heart towards these convictions and I would like to pay tribute to someone that I never met, and yet my life has been impacted by her life so greatly. Her name is Tam, and for a long time she was just a Facebook friend to Jen that I heard about occasionally, but as time went on she became a sister that I felt ever so kindred to. And although I never once got to see her face, hug her neck or even speak with her, I feel as though I knew her quite well. Her fight was short, yet not in vain... and I can honestly say that she impacted my life forever.
Tam went to meet Jesus today and to see her baby Levi and Carrie again. I am torn by great joy and deep sorrow because I understand the contrast and fragility of life in this moment. She may have only been given months with Jesus here on this earth, but she has stepped into eternity with her savior. The beauty of imagining that moment alone is so precious for me... to imagine her seeing Jesus for the first time, and feeling his tangible love for the first moments... how powerful. She may have not had the opportunity to really feel the love of God here on this earth, but I know for sure that she is being ravished by His amazing love right now.
I am looking forward to the moment when I will be able to sit near her in heaven, and tell her the impact that she had on my life.
Girls like Tam are my motivation for ministry... lives that were once in disarray and yet God came in and changed everything. Just as in the book of Ruth, I watched as Tam and Jen were a modern day Ruth and Naomi. These girls are just looking for someone that they can follow, and for someone who carries the love of “your God”. The simplest, yet most complex emotion on the face of the earth is the one that pulls them out of the depths of depravity and into life every time, and I know that lives like her's are so fragile... and if there is one there are thousands more. We must take up the same ministry that Jesus himself carried... to seek and save that which is lost.
If we have not love, we have nothing at all.
I am so certain that we, as a church, are in a moment of dire calamity. It seems as though everywhere I look there is death and destruction. Ministry is no longer a show from a stage in a building, but rather a case of life and death... and unless we are awoken to the state of affairs we will miss out on the great opportunities that have been placed before us. There is a great plague that is killing off the children of God... and instead of being enraptured by the love of the Father, they are entangled in sin. And dying.
The last year of my life has been in witness of the fact that things have become drastic. Or maybe they've always been drastic, and my eyes were not yet open to that truth. As my feet have tread upon waters of uncertainty I have become brokenhearted as I've realized that I am the one that carries truth, and yet have kept it within the confines of my heart. Herein lies the greatest revelation... if He's in you, you've got to let Him out.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There has been a spurring of my heart towards these convictions and I would like to pay tribute to someone that I never met, and yet my life has been impacted by her life so greatly. Her name is Tam, and for a long time she was just a Facebook friend to Jen that I heard about occasionally, but as time went on she became a sister that I felt ever so kindred to. And although I never once got to see her face, hug her neck or even speak with her, I feel as though I knew her quite well. Her fight was short, yet not in vain... and I can honestly say that she impacted my life forever.
Tam went to meet Jesus today and to see her baby Levi and Carrie again. I am torn by great joy and deep sorrow because I understand the contrast and fragility of life in this moment. She may have only been given months with Jesus here on this earth, but she has stepped into eternity with her savior. The beauty of imagining that moment alone is so precious for me... to imagine her seeing Jesus for the first time, and feeling his tangible love for the first moments... how powerful. She may have not had the opportunity to really feel the love of God here on this earth, but I know for sure that she is being ravished by His amazing love right now.
I am looking forward to the moment when I will be able to sit near her in heaven, and tell her the impact that she had on my life.
Girls like Tam are my motivation for ministry... lives that were once in disarray and yet God came in and changed everything. Just as in the book of Ruth, I watched as Tam and Jen were a modern day Ruth and Naomi. These girls are just looking for someone that they can follow, and for someone who carries the love of “your God”. The simplest, yet most complex emotion on the face of the earth is the one that pulls them out of the depths of depravity and into life every time, and I know that lives like her's are so fragile... and if there is one there are thousands more. We must take up the same ministry that Jesus himself carried... to seek and save that which is lost.
If we have not love, we have nothing at all.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
For such a time as this.
As I sit here on my last night in the Big Apple I am struck by a thought that I believe, could change everything. As long as we understand that we have the power to change the world but never do it, our circumstances will forever remain the same.
This week in New York City has been eye-opening and awe-inspiring to say the very least. Standing before men and women at the United Nations has made me realize that there are so many out there that desire change, and have great ideas to see great change, but yet we are still seeking the same answers year after year. After all this was the 55th Commission on the Status of Women thus far. If we had great ideas to change the world in which we live then I do believe we would not need 55 yearly conferences on the status of women in the world around us. This week I listened as men and women from around the world presented ideas on how to make our world a better place, and yet I was slightly confused as to why nothing had yet changed.
I suppose therefore lies the truth of the matter... only the power of God can ultimately change the world around us, and until the church is awakened to this truth nothing that we have desired to see will take place. God we need you to change us so we can change the world! A simple prayer to a most complex problem...
So... from the beginning.
Arriving in New York City I couldn't quite get over the fact that I had been brought to the very place that I had been dreaming about since I was a child, and not only were my dreams fulfilled, but the Lord had brought me forth as a voice to speak on behalf of those that could not speak. Initially I dealt with a lot of fear and feelings of inadequacy as I tried figure out, in my flesh, the plan that God had for me over the week that I would be in New York City. But as I sought after His heart for the nations of the world, I realized that never in my own adequacy would I be able to speak on behalf of the many voiceless throughout my generation and the nations of the world. A journey that would spark change in my life was about to begin.
As our team got together to pray we were asking God for such divine moments, and strategic plans to take down the enemy in such a high sphere of influence. From the first time I entered into the United Nations God was giving me incredible divine appointments, and I couldn't quite grasp who He brought me into contact with. I was speaking instantly with delegates and ambassadors from over nearly 50 nations of the earth, and not only was I speaking with them, but we were brainstorming over the magnitude of violence against women and children in their nations (i.e. trafficking and abortion)... in those moments we were coming together with like minds trying to figure out a solution to the many problems that are plaguing our world today. Of course there were those that were not so like-minded, but God was so intentional in who He set me up with over the week. Our team together was set on a path for influence... God was taking “nobody's” to “somebody's” in merely moments.
Collectively our team was able to come before ambassadors, delegates and NGO's with a workshop that would inform those attending on the real horrors of Sex Trafficking and the world of pornography. To see the faces of those attending the workshops I realized that they were being made aware of the depravity of the world that we are living in today. Reality was sinking in deeply as our panelists shared the incredible wealth of knowledge that they had on the subjects at hand, and I was praying that now that there was a realization of the problem maybe there would come a great responsibility to fix the issues that we were presenting. Holy Spirit was using our words as a loud speaker to rouse the ears of a deaf world. And they were listening...
Not only were we able to present on bringing life and liberation from bondage, but we were also able to sit in on other NGO led sessions to hear their agenda for bringing world wide change. As I attended the other sessions (apprehensively, I must add) I watched as the presenters were full of a passion much like mine... whether they were on the other side of the fence or not, I realized that there was no longer a “us” and “them” mentality ruling my mind. Here we encountered men and women who very much believed with all their hearts the different agendas that they were standing for. There was a passion to see change that transcended all of the issues and no matter what you stood for, you were there because you wished to see great change take place in the world, whether that change was right or not. I understood in these moments the importance of biblical world views and the blue print for a biblical run government. Passion without a God sent vision will always send the people into confusion and disarray. I have come to a great understanding that desire fueled by everything but God will bring you to a place of frustration and emptiness every time. Hence the great number of Commissions on the Status of Women. It is time for the bride, His church, to awaken with great passion to see change take place in our governments all over the world. Now is our Esther moment.
My prayer after leaving New York is that we would come together as a body to see biblical examples come forth in the governments of the world around us, and that together we would arise as a generation of righteous, holy saints with a great desire to see the Kingdom of Heaven manifest on the earth. I believe with my entire heart that God is calling us as voices to speak on behalf of those that cannot speak... and even more that He is extending His scepter for us to come before Kings and Judges to proclaim freedom to the captives. Our voices will be heard, and God will come forth in righteousness and judgment... He's just waiting for us to speak.
This week in New York City has been eye-opening and awe-inspiring to say the very least. Standing before men and women at the United Nations has made me realize that there are so many out there that desire change, and have great ideas to see great change, but yet we are still seeking the same answers year after year. After all this was the 55th Commission on the Status of Women thus far. If we had great ideas to change the world in which we live then I do believe we would not need 55 yearly conferences on the status of women in the world around us. This week I listened as men and women from around the world presented ideas on how to make our world a better place, and yet I was slightly confused as to why nothing had yet changed.
I suppose therefore lies the truth of the matter... only the power of God can ultimately change the world around us, and until the church is awakened to this truth nothing that we have desired to see will take place. God we need you to change us so we can change the world! A simple prayer to a most complex problem...
So... from the beginning.
Arriving in New York City I couldn't quite get over the fact that I had been brought to the very place that I had been dreaming about since I was a child, and not only were my dreams fulfilled, but the Lord had brought me forth as a voice to speak on behalf of those that could not speak. Initially I dealt with a lot of fear and feelings of inadequacy as I tried figure out, in my flesh, the plan that God had for me over the week that I would be in New York City. But as I sought after His heart for the nations of the world, I realized that never in my own adequacy would I be able to speak on behalf of the many voiceless throughout my generation and the nations of the world. A journey that would spark change in my life was about to begin.
As our team got together to pray we were asking God for such divine moments, and strategic plans to take down the enemy in such a high sphere of influence. From the first time I entered into the United Nations God was giving me incredible divine appointments, and I couldn't quite grasp who He brought me into contact with. I was speaking instantly with delegates and ambassadors from over nearly 50 nations of the earth, and not only was I speaking with them, but we were brainstorming over the magnitude of violence against women and children in their nations (i.e. trafficking and abortion)... in those moments we were coming together with like minds trying to figure out a solution to the many problems that are plaguing our world today. Of course there were those that were not so like-minded, but God was so intentional in who He set me up with over the week. Our team together was set on a path for influence... God was taking “nobody's” to “somebody's” in merely moments.
Collectively our team was able to come before ambassadors, delegates and NGO's with a workshop that would inform those attending on the real horrors of Sex Trafficking and the world of pornography. To see the faces of those attending the workshops I realized that they were being made aware of the depravity of the world that we are living in today. Reality was sinking in deeply as our panelists shared the incredible wealth of knowledge that they had on the subjects at hand, and I was praying that now that there was a realization of the problem maybe there would come a great responsibility to fix the issues that we were presenting. Holy Spirit was using our words as a loud speaker to rouse the ears of a deaf world. And they were listening...
Not only were we able to present on bringing life and liberation from bondage, but we were also able to sit in on other NGO led sessions to hear their agenda for bringing world wide change. As I attended the other sessions (apprehensively, I must add) I watched as the presenters were full of a passion much like mine... whether they were on the other side of the fence or not, I realized that there was no longer a “us” and “them” mentality ruling my mind. Here we encountered men and women who very much believed with all their hearts the different agendas that they were standing for. There was a passion to see change that transcended all of the issues and no matter what you stood for, you were there because you wished to see great change take place in the world, whether that change was right or not. I understood in these moments the importance of biblical world views and the blue print for a biblical run government. Passion without a God sent vision will always send the people into confusion and disarray. I have come to a great understanding that desire fueled by everything but God will bring you to a place of frustration and emptiness every time. Hence the great number of Commissions on the Status of Women. It is time for the bride, His church, to awaken with great passion to see change take place in our governments all over the world. Now is our Esther moment.
My prayer after leaving New York is that we would come together as a body to see biblical examples come forth in the governments of the world around us, and that together we would arise as a generation of righteous, holy saints with a great desire to see the Kingdom of Heaven manifest on the earth. I believe with my entire heart that God is calling us as voices to speak on behalf of those that cannot speak... and even more that He is extending His scepter for us to come before Kings and Judges to proclaim freedom to the captives. Our voices will be heard, and God will come forth in righteousness and judgment... He's just waiting for us to speak.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Love that knows no bounds.
I heard Heidi Baker once say that love looks like something. If you’re thirsty, love looks like building a well to get a drink. If you’re hungry, love looks like providing food to eat. In moments of dire calamity, love looks like meeting a need. When we left Dallas for Toronto that was our mission, just to love. When you are alone in a city grieving the death of your baby, love looks like flying across the continent to be with a hurting girl. That is where our story begins.
Arriving in Toronto I had no idea what was going to be in store for Jen and I as our feet hit the ground off of that airplane. I had no idea that God was sending me there so He could speak to me… and that He was sending me there to show me how to love like His son, Jesus did. I was in store for the most intense week of my life to this point. All I knew was that I was here with Jen on a mission to rescue a young woman, named Tam that she had been ministering to for nearly a year prior to this point. As far as I was concerned I was going with Jen to make sure that she didn’t get hurt or lost… I had no idea that I was going to fall in love. Our first day was like a scavenger hunt… the young woman that we had come there to help was in great distress, and despite all of our tries at communication we could not reach her. All we knew was that she had a baby boy in a hospital somewhere in downtown Toronto… it wasn’t until we got there that we were informed of the 10 or more hospitals in the immediate downtown area. Our intention for that day was then to walk from hospital to hospital asking for a little baby, that we didn’t know a whole lot about. It was at the first hospital that we learned that the little baby boy that had been sick and struggling for some time had passed away almost immediately after our plane had landed in Toronto the previous night. I was beginning to grasp the importance of our arrival at this point… Tam needed Jen now more than ever. I knew that she had to feel like she was tangled in a web of chaos and had no idea how to get out. My heart broke for this young woman instantly.
Jen and I left the hospital and I knew that Jen had to have felt so deflated and defeated to come to another country to be there for someone and find out that the baby had passed away and now the mother was nowhere to be found. It was one of those moments when you think that nothing else could get much worse, and then it does. Jen, despite the failed attempts at communication stayed steadfast in her pursuit of this young woman, knowing full well that the pursuit was not her own, but the Father’s. I was watching something transpire in the next few days with Jen that I had been willfully blind to for nearly a year… and my ignorance had kept my heart so blinded by the reality of love and the life changing properties it carries.
Over the next few days it was like an emotional rollercoaster and game of cat and mouse as we would get into contact with Tam with hopes of meeting up, and yet she was never following through. There were moments where Jen was literally yards and feet away from her and still she could not look into her eyes and convey the love that she had for her. I was confused and almost mad at God at times because I thought “well aren’t we praying hard enough… or maybe the intercessors need to pray harder.” I figured, and maybe in ignorance, that just because we hopped on that plane to Toronto that she would have to meet us… that somehow God would see our obedience and command Tam’s steps to us. Yet it never happened, day after day. I could not comprehend how you could have someone that loved you literally around the corner at times and how you wouldn’t want to see that person, look into their eyes and see and feel love… rather than just hearing or reading the words of a long distance relationship. Love had literally jumped a plane in matter of hours to meet the needs of a broken girl… and yet it stopped at the end of a phone call every time.
The days were dwindling down before we had to go home and instead of lying around a hotel wishing for a phone call we decided to just go get in God’s presence and feel His heart on the situation at one of the local churches in the city. Sometimes I laugh at how God works, and this night He truly transformed my heart forever. Earlier that day I had been sitting with Jen in the hotel room and I was listening to her heart so full of love convey to me that she couldn’t do it any longer and that she was done with ministry… that this had been too much. I will never forget sitting on that hotel bed across from her and feeling not the same pain, but the pain of misunderstanding because I could not understand why one of the strongest people I know was hurting so badly. As we cried together in that room I realized the cost of love… I realized that the pain at times is much more than one can bear, and there is a world out there that has no idea what this love looks like so the only reaction it has is to reject it. Just like Jesus was rejected. So we go to church that night expecting to just hear God, and not much more than that. Little did we know that God was about to affirm the calling on both of our lives. Without knowing who the speaker was until the last minute we decided to go to this church… it wasn’t until merely hours before that Heidi Baker would be speaking that night at a conference. Heidi Baker is one of Jen’s heroes in the faith, and it seemed to her and I both that this was just a little gift from God for what we had experienced so far that week.
Heidi’s message that night was all about the call… and how we have to keep the dreams alive and carry the heart of the Father to the broken and the needy. It was like God had taken every word that Jen had said on the bed in the hotel and spit them out of Heidi’s mouth just to tell her that she couldn’t walk away from the calling on her life… it was her life. Both Jen and I had radical God encounters that night and we realized that there was a reason and a purpose for everything that had transpired thus far in the week. He had us on an assignment, and He knew exactly what was happening and He knew how defeated Jen felt because she still hadn’t been able to see this young woman or be able to just hold her in her arms and show her what true love is. God foreknew every plan, and the steps of His righteous He had ordered beforehand.
God was providing, even if we couldn’t see it. Through going to the service that Friday night we got connected with so many awesome people from Toronto, and they were truly God divine connections. After meeting one woman in particular named Veronique, who is the head of Bound For Life Toronto and volunteers at the Pregnancy Crisis center, Jen got the opportunity to speak at one of the campus churches for the church that we had visited on Friday. It was truly a door swinging wide open for her to share her story, and what God was doing through her to transform our city in Dallas and around the world. Jen and I both figured that this would be the last assignment that God would have us on, and we would be leaving Toronto without getting to see anyone that we had originally come there for. It was disheartening, but we knew that our steps had been ordered by God.
We had arrived at the church and were in the middle of worship when Jen looks behind me and says that she knows there is a girl there who works in the industry… I had no idea how she knew this, but I have also learned to just trust Jen. Jen goes and runs outside to see who she is, and if it was Tam whom we had come there searching for. After going outside to talk to her she realized that it wasn’t Tam, but the young woman wouldn’t talk to her… or even look her in the eyes for that matter. After a few attempted tries at other women trying to talk to her, we couldn’t get anywhere with her, we just knew she was there for a reason. I decided that I would try and go outside to talk to her to see if maybe I could get her name… or at least if she knew Tam, our original reason for coming to Toronto. I went outside almost terrified to talk to her, but I knew that God had sent her there for a very specific reason. All I could speak and convey to her was that Jen loved her very much, and that God had sent her to that church for a reason. I found out that her name is Tabitha and she had come to meet up with Tam and hear Jen speak. I realized that in this moment the love of God was already compelling this young woman closer to Himself, even if her eyes were then blinded to the reality. Tabitha agreed to come into the church with me, and little did I know that this was the beginning of a day that would truly change my life just because of this young woman’s decision to come to a church one Sunday to hear a woman speak that she had never met before, and in fact hated not many days earlier. She wouldn’t open up at much first, but I watched as she eased up the more time she spent with in sitting in the back of church that morning. Tabitha had told me from the beginning that she was going to run out at any time and that if she did I shouldn’t follow her, and all I could do was tell her that I wouldn’t go after her, but I also suggested that it would be so much better for her if she stayed and talked to Jen and got to listen to her heart. To Jen and I’s surprise, she stayed. We got to invite her out to lunch and just spend the day with her before our plane left that evening and just before we were going to leave Tam had agreed to meet up with Jen, Tabitha and myself for coffee… it was as though God had kissed the last day of our trip.
As we were having coffee with Tabitha and waiting for Tam to arrive we got a phone call that on her way to the airport she had blown a red light to get to see Jen faster and she ended up getting arrested for possession. It was like a dead weight had been thrown into the middle of everything… I remember distinctly thinking that Jen must have felt as low to the ground as possible. Oh, to love someone with all your heart and truly never get to see them. The reality of the severity of the things these girls struggle within the Sex Industry was becoming clear to me… everything is fragile because of the sin that entangles them. All we could do now was convey the love that we had for Tabitha one last time before we left and get back on the plane for Dallas with our heads held high so that the people back home didn’t think we were entirely crazy for coming here for what looked like no point.
Jen and I walked through those gates just 5 minutes too late and we ended up missing our flight, and in that moment every bit of my flesh came out and I exploded in emotion that I had been holding in for the last 5 days. So there Jen and I were at the gate crying so hard at the prospect of staying in Toronto one more night, it was as though our bodies couldn’t handle even another night in that city. Thank God for Jen in that moment… if I were alone I do believe that I would have had a mental breakdown. Immediately we got our flights fixed for the next morning and Jen had turned it around with full knowledge that God had kept us there for another night for a reason. Sure enough He had more than we had ever imagined in store for us that night.
After checking into our hotel we decided to invite Tabitha back to our hotel and see if she just wanted to hang out with us and have a girl’s night. I had already felt like God had blessed enough with a whole day with her, and I was expecting anything to happen that night. Jen and I both knew that Tabitha had to work at the club that night, and it was rare that a girl would miss a night at work because of the consequences that could take place. Tabitha surprised us both and decided to come hang out with us again. After hiding from her driver that came to pick her up at night to take her to the club, she caught a cab to our hotel. My heart jumped when I heard her knock on that door because I knew that God was certainly up to something, and He wanted to share something with His princess that night.
Tabitha walked into our room sheepishly with a bag full of goodies and some coffee joking that she never brought coffee, food and candy to a hotel, but rather only drugs. I was watching as she was being allowed to just be safe for probably the first time in her life. We expected nothing of her there in that hotel room… we just wanted to love her. For 6 hours that night we sat and talked about everything from each of our pasts, to abortion and to reading the Word over this young woman that had never heard it before. The atmosphere in that room that night was one of security and peace, and I could watch as Tabitha was being transformed by the way that one person could love her so purely, even if she didn’t understand what was going on in that room. We were offering her something more addicting than any drug she would ever try. The imagery alone of this young woman sitting in our room that night was so perfect to how I imagined she had felt. There she sat sitting in a chair with her feet hanging over the side, and although she was dressed very much so like a woman, on her feet were polka dotted socks, and I couldn’t help but imagine that this was a picture of how she was every day of her life. On the outside there was a woman who was used to using her body to earn money, and on the inside there was a young girl that never got the chance to be loved, or to enjoy life. As Jen and I were about to leave Tabitha told us that she had never felt that way before… that no one had ever sat in a room and just let her be herself for as long as we did. It was eye opening to me that every other day out of the year and the years previous to this moment, she never got to be herself. I was now aware how much love could change the heart of someone who was broken and missing one of the greatest gifts in life.
We left that next morning realizing that God had kept us there in Toronto that night for Tabitha, and despite the week’s events leading up to that point, everything had been worth it. I learned that you take one girl, treat her like she’s the only person in the world that matters to you, pour out your heart and love without expectations, and everything changes in an instant. Every young woman wants to feel like a princess and when you actually treat her like one her whole heart opens to the possibility of the fairy tale actually coming true.
Arriving in Toronto I had no idea what was going to be in store for Jen and I as our feet hit the ground off of that airplane. I had no idea that God was sending me there so He could speak to me… and that He was sending me there to show me how to love like His son, Jesus did. I was in store for the most intense week of my life to this point. All I knew was that I was here with Jen on a mission to rescue a young woman, named Tam that she had been ministering to for nearly a year prior to this point. As far as I was concerned I was going with Jen to make sure that she didn’t get hurt or lost… I had no idea that I was going to fall in love. Our first day was like a scavenger hunt… the young woman that we had come there to help was in great distress, and despite all of our tries at communication we could not reach her. All we knew was that she had a baby boy in a hospital somewhere in downtown Toronto… it wasn’t until we got there that we were informed of the 10 or more hospitals in the immediate downtown area. Our intention for that day was then to walk from hospital to hospital asking for a little baby, that we didn’t know a whole lot about. It was at the first hospital that we learned that the little baby boy that had been sick and struggling for some time had passed away almost immediately after our plane had landed in Toronto the previous night. I was beginning to grasp the importance of our arrival at this point… Tam needed Jen now more than ever. I knew that she had to feel like she was tangled in a web of chaos and had no idea how to get out. My heart broke for this young woman instantly.
Jen and I left the hospital and I knew that Jen had to have felt so deflated and defeated to come to another country to be there for someone and find out that the baby had passed away and now the mother was nowhere to be found. It was one of those moments when you think that nothing else could get much worse, and then it does. Jen, despite the failed attempts at communication stayed steadfast in her pursuit of this young woman, knowing full well that the pursuit was not her own, but the Father’s. I was watching something transpire in the next few days with Jen that I had been willfully blind to for nearly a year… and my ignorance had kept my heart so blinded by the reality of love and the life changing properties it carries.
Over the next few days it was like an emotional rollercoaster and game of cat and mouse as we would get into contact with Tam with hopes of meeting up, and yet she was never following through. There were moments where Jen was literally yards and feet away from her and still she could not look into her eyes and convey the love that she had for her. I was confused and almost mad at God at times because I thought “well aren’t we praying hard enough… or maybe the intercessors need to pray harder.” I figured, and maybe in ignorance, that just because we hopped on that plane to Toronto that she would have to meet us… that somehow God would see our obedience and command Tam’s steps to us. Yet it never happened, day after day. I could not comprehend how you could have someone that loved you literally around the corner at times and how you wouldn’t want to see that person, look into their eyes and see and feel love… rather than just hearing or reading the words of a long distance relationship. Love had literally jumped a plane in matter of hours to meet the needs of a broken girl… and yet it stopped at the end of a phone call every time.
The days were dwindling down before we had to go home and instead of lying around a hotel wishing for a phone call we decided to just go get in God’s presence and feel His heart on the situation at one of the local churches in the city. Sometimes I laugh at how God works, and this night He truly transformed my heart forever. Earlier that day I had been sitting with Jen in the hotel room and I was listening to her heart so full of love convey to me that she couldn’t do it any longer and that she was done with ministry… that this had been too much. I will never forget sitting on that hotel bed across from her and feeling not the same pain, but the pain of misunderstanding because I could not understand why one of the strongest people I know was hurting so badly. As we cried together in that room I realized the cost of love… I realized that the pain at times is much more than one can bear, and there is a world out there that has no idea what this love looks like so the only reaction it has is to reject it. Just like Jesus was rejected. So we go to church that night expecting to just hear God, and not much more than that. Little did we know that God was about to affirm the calling on both of our lives. Without knowing who the speaker was until the last minute we decided to go to this church… it wasn’t until merely hours before that Heidi Baker would be speaking that night at a conference. Heidi Baker is one of Jen’s heroes in the faith, and it seemed to her and I both that this was just a little gift from God for what we had experienced so far that week.
Heidi’s message that night was all about the call… and how we have to keep the dreams alive and carry the heart of the Father to the broken and the needy. It was like God had taken every word that Jen had said on the bed in the hotel and spit them out of Heidi’s mouth just to tell her that she couldn’t walk away from the calling on her life… it was her life. Both Jen and I had radical God encounters that night and we realized that there was a reason and a purpose for everything that had transpired thus far in the week. He had us on an assignment, and He knew exactly what was happening and He knew how defeated Jen felt because she still hadn’t been able to see this young woman or be able to just hold her in her arms and show her what true love is. God foreknew every plan, and the steps of His righteous He had ordered beforehand.
God was providing, even if we couldn’t see it. Through going to the service that Friday night we got connected with so many awesome people from Toronto, and they were truly God divine connections. After meeting one woman in particular named Veronique, who is the head of Bound For Life Toronto and volunteers at the Pregnancy Crisis center, Jen got the opportunity to speak at one of the campus churches for the church that we had visited on Friday. It was truly a door swinging wide open for her to share her story, and what God was doing through her to transform our city in Dallas and around the world. Jen and I both figured that this would be the last assignment that God would have us on, and we would be leaving Toronto without getting to see anyone that we had originally come there for. It was disheartening, but we knew that our steps had been ordered by God.
We had arrived at the church and were in the middle of worship when Jen looks behind me and says that she knows there is a girl there who works in the industry… I had no idea how she knew this, but I have also learned to just trust Jen. Jen goes and runs outside to see who she is, and if it was Tam whom we had come there searching for. After going outside to talk to her she realized that it wasn’t Tam, but the young woman wouldn’t talk to her… or even look her in the eyes for that matter. After a few attempted tries at other women trying to talk to her, we couldn’t get anywhere with her, we just knew she was there for a reason. I decided that I would try and go outside to talk to her to see if maybe I could get her name… or at least if she knew Tam, our original reason for coming to Toronto. I went outside almost terrified to talk to her, but I knew that God had sent her there for a very specific reason. All I could speak and convey to her was that Jen loved her very much, and that God had sent her to that church for a reason. I found out that her name is Tabitha and she had come to meet up with Tam and hear Jen speak. I realized that in this moment the love of God was already compelling this young woman closer to Himself, even if her eyes were then blinded to the reality. Tabitha agreed to come into the church with me, and little did I know that this was the beginning of a day that would truly change my life just because of this young woman’s decision to come to a church one Sunday to hear a woman speak that she had never met before, and in fact hated not many days earlier. She wouldn’t open up at much first, but I watched as she eased up the more time she spent with in sitting in the back of church that morning. Tabitha had told me from the beginning that she was going to run out at any time and that if she did I shouldn’t follow her, and all I could do was tell her that I wouldn’t go after her, but I also suggested that it would be so much better for her if she stayed and talked to Jen and got to listen to her heart. To Jen and I’s surprise, she stayed. We got to invite her out to lunch and just spend the day with her before our plane left that evening and just before we were going to leave Tam had agreed to meet up with Jen, Tabitha and myself for coffee… it was as though God had kissed the last day of our trip.
As we were having coffee with Tabitha and waiting for Tam to arrive we got a phone call that on her way to the airport she had blown a red light to get to see Jen faster and she ended up getting arrested for possession. It was like a dead weight had been thrown into the middle of everything… I remember distinctly thinking that Jen must have felt as low to the ground as possible. Oh, to love someone with all your heart and truly never get to see them. The reality of the severity of the things these girls struggle within the Sex Industry was becoming clear to me… everything is fragile because of the sin that entangles them. All we could do now was convey the love that we had for Tabitha one last time before we left and get back on the plane for Dallas with our heads held high so that the people back home didn’t think we were entirely crazy for coming here for what looked like no point.
Jen and I walked through those gates just 5 minutes too late and we ended up missing our flight, and in that moment every bit of my flesh came out and I exploded in emotion that I had been holding in for the last 5 days. So there Jen and I were at the gate crying so hard at the prospect of staying in Toronto one more night, it was as though our bodies couldn’t handle even another night in that city. Thank God for Jen in that moment… if I were alone I do believe that I would have had a mental breakdown. Immediately we got our flights fixed for the next morning and Jen had turned it around with full knowledge that God had kept us there for another night for a reason. Sure enough He had more than we had ever imagined in store for us that night.
After checking into our hotel we decided to invite Tabitha back to our hotel and see if she just wanted to hang out with us and have a girl’s night. I had already felt like God had blessed enough with a whole day with her, and I was expecting anything to happen that night. Jen and I both knew that Tabitha had to work at the club that night, and it was rare that a girl would miss a night at work because of the consequences that could take place. Tabitha surprised us both and decided to come hang out with us again. After hiding from her driver that came to pick her up at night to take her to the club, she caught a cab to our hotel. My heart jumped when I heard her knock on that door because I knew that God was certainly up to something, and He wanted to share something with His princess that night.
Tabitha walked into our room sheepishly with a bag full of goodies and some coffee joking that she never brought coffee, food and candy to a hotel, but rather only drugs. I was watching as she was being allowed to just be safe for probably the first time in her life. We expected nothing of her there in that hotel room… we just wanted to love her. For 6 hours that night we sat and talked about everything from each of our pasts, to abortion and to reading the Word over this young woman that had never heard it before. The atmosphere in that room that night was one of security and peace, and I could watch as Tabitha was being transformed by the way that one person could love her so purely, even if she didn’t understand what was going on in that room. We were offering her something more addicting than any drug she would ever try. The imagery alone of this young woman sitting in our room that night was so perfect to how I imagined she had felt. There she sat sitting in a chair with her feet hanging over the side, and although she was dressed very much so like a woman, on her feet were polka dotted socks, and I couldn’t help but imagine that this was a picture of how she was every day of her life. On the outside there was a woman who was used to using her body to earn money, and on the inside there was a young girl that never got the chance to be loved, or to enjoy life. As Jen and I were about to leave Tabitha told us that she had never felt that way before… that no one had ever sat in a room and just let her be herself for as long as we did. It was eye opening to me that every other day out of the year and the years previous to this moment, she never got to be herself. I was now aware how much love could change the heart of someone who was broken and missing one of the greatest gifts in life.
We left that next morning realizing that God had kept us there in Toronto that night for Tabitha, and despite the week’s events leading up to that point, everything had been worth it. I learned that you take one girl, treat her like she’s the only person in the world that matters to you, pour out your heart and love without expectations, and everything changes in an instant. Every young woman wants to feel like a princess and when you actually treat her like one her whole heart opens to the possibility of the fairy tale actually coming true.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
To find a friend... to be a friend.
In my Christian walk I have learned something very unfortunate as of late; it is increasingly difficult to find someone in life that will walk beside you (as a friend) and be 100% completely honest in who they are.
I wonder what it was like for Jesus when he was looking those that he would call disciples, and even friends. There was something that he saw in the twelve (even Judas) that led him to believe he could trust them in their character and integrity. Yes, I realize that you might be thinking that I'm crazy for including Judas in that group, but he also walked with Jesus side by side for 3 years before he decided to turn his back on someone that he knew so well, and likewise. It is even harder in these days to find a friend that will stick around for 3 years, let alone 6 months. I wonder what it would be like to be in Jesus' shoes... looking into the eyes of his best friend John... who was THE BELOVED disciple, and say to him, "I have to go, my time here is through... I love you, and I'm going to die for you." Yes, I understood that Jesus died for the redemption of ALL mankind... but imagine John's perspective here in this moment, his BEST friend is choosing to give his life for him. Wow.
My heart is reaching out for some understanding here. I can't begin to comprehend how people can let go, or even forsake relationships in their lives. I have watched quietly as people have walked in... and just as easily walked out. In my attempt to understand this I am left empty and without answers. I honestly know the biblical perspective that there are people for a time and season that walk into your life, and are meant to be there for that long, but I am wondering... aren't there lifelong friends out there? Those that would even take it to the grave? In my heart of hearts I am crying out for Godly fellowship, and I have my one... or two at the least, but I know that there is more. Maybe the more is the relationship that I will find in my future husband... but I am desiring TRUE, REAL relationships now. Fellowship that brings life, not heartache.
I suppose that this all comes back to my thoughts on love... I am supposed to be the walking representation of Jesus on this earth, and if Jesus was fully man and fully God, then he was fully love. I do not know what it's like NOT to love people... I can, not like someone with all my might, but I know that even in my heart I still love them. I do not know how to do it otherwise. Love COVERS all... even all the dislike and feelings of hurt and pain. I am confused... I guess in my naivety, why people would choose tolerance over love. Tolerance says "I'll deal with you here"... love says "I love you too much to leave you here." Jesus, looking down from heaven, said "I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LEAVE YOU HERE!!" So he left heaven. Why is it so hard as Christians to show the same love here on this earth.
Can't you see that I love you too much to leave you here?
Jesus, I'm after YOUR heart. Help me find the answers.
I wonder what it was like for Jesus when he was looking those that he would call disciples, and even friends. There was something that he saw in the twelve (even Judas) that led him to believe he could trust them in their character and integrity. Yes, I realize that you might be thinking that I'm crazy for including Judas in that group, but he also walked with Jesus side by side for 3 years before he decided to turn his back on someone that he knew so well, and likewise. It is even harder in these days to find a friend that will stick around for 3 years, let alone 6 months. I wonder what it would be like to be in Jesus' shoes... looking into the eyes of his best friend John... who was THE BELOVED disciple, and say to him, "I have to go, my time here is through... I love you, and I'm going to die for you." Yes, I understood that Jesus died for the redemption of ALL mankind... but imagine John's perspective here in this moment, his BEST friend is choosing to give his life for him. Wow.
My heart is reaching out for some understanding here. I can't begin to comprehend how people can let go, or even forsake relationships in their lives. I have watched quietly as people have walked in... and just as easily walked out. In my attempt to understand this I am left empty and without answers. I honestly know the biblical perspective that there are people for a time and season that walk into your life, and are meant to be there for that long, but I am wondering... aren't there lifelong friends out there? Those that would even take it to the grave? In my heart of hearts I am crying out for Godly fellowship, and I have my one... or two at the least, but I know that there is more. Maybe the more is the relationship that I will find in my future husband... but I am desiring TRUE, REAL relationships now. Fellowship that brings life, not heartache.
I suppose that this all comes back to my thoughts on love... I am supposed to be the walking representation of Jesus on this earth, and if Jesus was fully man and fully God, then he was fully love. I do not know what it's like NOT to love people... I can, not like someone with all my might, but I know that even in my heart I still love them. I do not know how to do it otherwise. Love COVERS all... even all the dislike and feelings of hurt and pain. I am confused... I guess in my naivety, why people would choose tolerance over love. Tolerance says "I'll deal with you here"... love says "I love you too much to leave you here." Jesus, looking down from heaven, said "I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LEAVE YOU HERE!!" So he left heaven. Why is it so hard as Christians to show the same love here on this earth.
Can't you see that I love you too much to leave you here?
Jesus, I'm after YOUR heart. Help me find the answers.
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