The necessity.

Yearning deep within me is a cry that is rousing the deaf ears of my heart. A cry that says, there has to be more than this. Something more like a mystery hidden around the corner awaiting to be found. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, and the glory of Kings to search it out. Proverbs 25:2 I realize that I am embarking on a lifelong game of hide and seek with the God of ages. The man Christ that desires the digging, so He hands me a shovel. I am hungry for the concealed matters of His heart.

Something screams loud telling me that the seeking is the greatest place to be found. Blessings to be had and bestowed. Yet, I feel alone in this vast jungle of treasure hunting with Jesus. I feel the necessity of the seeking. To hunt for the hidden glory in my day to day is such a gift. This earth is only the beginning of my searching certainly!

It seems as though I am in this constant state of deeply seeking, it's as though the God of ages always keeps me in places where I HAVE to seek to survive. I was not meant for complacency. My times are in His hands! But, it seems like there is pain and sanctification in the seeking. It blesses my heart to know that when I step into eternity I will no longer have to deal with the pain of affliction or sanctification. There I will be made perfectly whole in Him, and my seeking will be seen in a new light. A light of great desire and a new life definition to constantly stand with the living creatures as I cry HOLY! 

Oh to see for the first time that aspect of God that I have never seen before! Like a million blazing sunsets, or billions of star filled sky's lit by full moon, but with a new seeking, a new seeing. A seeing like I saw it for the first time ever! Do you remember the first time you saw a sunset, and were struck instantly by beauty? Or do you remember your first starry night? Nor do I. Renew my awe oh God! Until I step into fullness with You!

Deeper longings.

I am set ablaze like a fire wild in the wind. My heart leaps at the expectation of the coming season, and I can certainly feel the change rolling in peaceful violent on the horizon. This is the embarkation. Nothing will be the same.

I have started reading the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I have found what feels like the missing link to the puzzle I have struggled for years to piece together. In my heart and upon my lips, I am finding gratitude like a river rushing forward from my being. She calls it as the Greek Eucharisteo. Something even lays hidden in that word that longs for thankfulness. I can hear it every time I speak it out loud. Eucharisteo. Eucharisteo! The word itself means "to give thanks". And it is mentioned every time Jesus gives thanks. Thanks the Father. Gives thanks and breaks bread. Gives thanks and multiplies! This word of grandeur. This word of gratitude! How simple, and yet greatly complex. The fullness of the realization of beauty lies resting within this word. I have missed it. Most of my saved life I have missed the most important part! My gratitude towards the One who bestows all gifts!

I feel like Sherlock uncovering the mystery. My magnifying lens large before my eyes, searching for the pieces that lay waiting for me to find them. The keys to JOY!!! I have found myself with pen and paper, wide eyed and amazed like a child, at the gifts God has bestowed upon me in my every day. These little treasures that I have passed up in the busyness of life. The moments that I was sure to have lost in time. I have beheld God in His magnificence! In the HERE and NOW! As Voskamp says in her book. I am getting to know the I Am. The very present God. The God that resides in the now moments. The gifts He's just longing for us to acknowledge. Not once a year Christmas gifts, but everyday treasures that He's hidden in our self-proclaimed mundane. Beauty.

Call me a treasure hunter. For Glory! For the gifts that make my heart skip a beat. My heart has longed for me to commit to such simplicity! And so it has begun, my journal, my pen and I are embarking on a journey to find one thousand numbered gifts in my every day to give God the glory for. My eyes strain to find the simplest... my heart skips a beat when I find another one! Tonight #13 the way the clouds are set in wisps at sunset. coral hues and baby blues. So simple and poetic. Just like the sky He has strung before our eyes. Yet I gaze into sunsets 26 years and never notice like I do tonight. The beauty that's been there all along, just waiting for me to give thanks for it! Eucharisteo.

I suppose it's not even about the thanks giving that is being made, but rather what God is doing in my heart. A miracle! Only God can come and change the heart of man. And not the "try to change, but set in old senile way" but real, life-altering, gasping for air when you've gone too deep, change. Voskamp explains it cleverly clear in her book. Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle! "Father, I thank that you have heard me..." John 11:41 And then the miracle of a dead man rising! Thanksgiving raises the dead! Not to say that my heart has been dead, but it would sometimes begin to smell of the flesh that has gone without life for far too long. But there it is. The miracle. The life change. Who could say to Lazarus in the moment of blood surging life into his veins again, "Hey Laz, you're just a dead man, you'll never change!". Never! The man felt the rush of breath in his lungs after being emptied. He would never be the same. And oh, it began with the simple word. Eucharisteo. How beautiful.

I will try and post again soon as I travel further into the world of beauty and hunting for the gifts! Please get this book and see for yourself what I'm talking about. Your heart will not regret it. He's a good Father, and every good and perfect gift is HIS!

With all marvel and wonder,
Krystle

A burning and shining lamp.

We are the total sum of all the moments we have ever lived. Whether good or bad we reflect them all completely in our current moments. All the healed spots, wounded hearts and patched bruises. Sometimes the sum of our lives equates to something we never imagined. Moments in the sun followed by periods of extensive darkness.

My heat has been heavy lately for friends that I once knew and those I didn't quite know, but still loved dearly. I have been hit by the weight of the cost of following Christ. My eyes have been opened to the harsh reality of those I once knew who are actually still pursuing Him fervently. I am watching as men and women that I went to bible school with, and looked up to greatly, are no longer loving and following Jesus. I suppose that theologians and scholars would say that they were never truly converted if this were the case, but I see something else entirely. I see prodigals. I see broken hearts. I see wounds that have never healed... and I see sons and daughters missing the greatest relationship they will ever have. A relationship with their Father.

I am searching for words, through Holy Spirit, on how to pray and speak to these hurting friends. I can only wish that I would be in those moments of conversation like Jesus with skin on. My heart yearns within me for the returning of the children to their Father. Oh God, let them return. I know that sometimes we aren't quite as burning and shining as we would like to be as lamps to this world, but I believe that as a church our words can bring healing, or push these sons and daughters further away. I pray that our hearts would begin to cry, COME HOME!!

Imagine with me for a moment... brokenhearted and deeply wounded a son turns his back on his father. With a darkened heart he asks his father for everything he owes him. The broken son leaves with a chip on his shoulder to squander the wealth of his father who worked his life expecting his son to spend his inheritance well. The son spends everything he has within him during a season of rebellion and disgrace. One morning the son wakes up and realizes the hole that he has cultivated within his own heart, and he realized that the time spent wasting his inheritance brought him nowhere near happiness. The son wakes up within a new brokenness that he's never had before. Reluctantly he starts his journey back to his father. As he walks over the hill to his father's house he sees something that he could have never imagined. His father was standing waiting for his son with open arms... and as tears stream down his face he welcomes his son home! No words of condemnation are spoken, but rather love and welcoming comes from his lips. For his son's homecoming he throws a party, a bash to say to the world, "MY SON HAS RETURNED TO ME!!"

Come home, come home! He's waiting.

Beginning to see the light.

Well... here I go again, desiring to blog more frequently and finding myself revisiting after a nearly 6 month stint of absence. Fail. Yet, I decide to make a statement of re-commitment.

The last 6 months or so have been incredibly life-changing and strangely revealing. It's always right when I think I have everything planned out that life shifts and changes in matter of moments. None of the shifting, revealing or changing is negative in any means, but I just realize how infinitely NOT in control I am! Thank God.

During this period of great growth and expansion I have gotten engaged to the man of my dreams, and realized that the rest of my life could be spent doing nothing as long as I am with him. It wasn't easy for us during our early stages of courtship because of naysayers and unforgiving "friends" that believed they had a better opinion over our lives. But we found that there were a small band of people who believed in us more than we did at times... and inside of that small group of belief we saw the heart of Christ. Jonathan has shown me more love than any man that I've ever met, and he believes in me more than I could possibly ever ask for! If all my life consists of serving Jesus and him I would be perfectly content for the rest of my life.

Through my courtship with Jonathan I have cultivated a deeper desire for my Savior to come. I can hardly wait for the day that I see His burning eyes of desire gaze into the depths of my soul. Face to face. It seems as though the closer we get to seeing those burning eyes, the darkness rages more and more. I am so exhausted and tired of ministry the way that the church has done it, and I'm ready for the man Christ Jesus to take His rightful place as headship over the bride. My heart yearns within me.

There is a voice arising from the inside of me, and I can no longer be kept quiet!

Maranatha.

And the darkness cannot comprehend it...

I feel like I am walking out of a rehabilitation center today, and learning for the first time what it means to walk again without the assistance of crutches.

Though this statement make not make sense to most, I know that there are those out there that have felt my pain and discouragement. And though I have been reluctant to start walking things out again on my own... I will. Today I felt like God has released me from the heat of the center of the refiners fire, and allowing me to once again shine with the beauty that He created me for. I am overjoyed, yet terrified..

You are a diamond, beautiful and refined. It's time to shine.

The last four months of my life have been the absolute hardest that I have had to walk through since I have been redeemed. But I know that God works all things together for the good of those that love Him. I don't exactly understand why things transpire the way that they do, but I do know that He has me in the center of His hands. I will choose not to lean on my own understanding, but rather on His, the one that has so graciously loved me through every trial and tribulation.

I must say that I have learned so much, but the greatest of all is that I cannot lean on man to bring me through the tough times. And that those that you think will be there to walk you through a certain season aren't always the ones there walking with you through the fire. My heart has learned grief, sorrow and yet such great joy by walking through these moments, and I know it was all for my good. I have lost relationships that I thought would endure till the end, and I have regained those that I thought were lost forever. It's hard for the human heart to endure loss, but I know that Jesus himself lost even some that he was closest with. His heart's cry though, was to carry on despite the trial, and yet an even greater cry... "that they would be with me where I am."

My heart cannot fully comprehend the light that He has shown into my life lately, but I know that I see through a mirror dimly right now. I will understand one day. I will understand that every tear was not in vain, and I will see Him face to face. No more tears. No more pain. Standing before the King of Glory, I will be fully known and fully loved.

If I could say a word of encouragement to anyone that is walking through a trial or a test, it would be that you stay the course that you know He has planned for you. It may be hard to focus on the prize ahead, but remember that He is with you... even when you cannot see what is in front of you. Through the valley and through the pain, He is faithful until the very end. There may not be a single person walking with you through the darkness or the fire, but it is in those moments that He is closest to you.

God is close to those with a broken and contrite heart.

Nor do I condemn you.

I hear the words clearly in my ear today as I am thinking back on what has been, as of late, one of the hardest seasons of my life.

“Nor do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” John 8:11

My heart is filled with such hope and joy at the promise of a better tomorrow and fulfillment of the destiny that Jesus has placed within me. I have found such grief in the last three months over the realization that I could have learned all of the truth available to me, and yet still mess up. I don't understand sometimes the reasoning over the decisions that I have made in the past, but I do know that there is One who does know... and He knew the decisions before I even stepped forth.

I guess that I am writing this because I feel like self-condemnation has been my portion for the last few months and I am awakening today with a new revelation of the love and mercy of my Savior. And I know that I am not alone in having these feelings. My heart is reminded through so many stories in the gospels where Jesus stepped out and reached the ones that no one else wanted; the screw ups, the broken and the forgotten. All for the sake of love.

Nearly everyday I was waking up feeling like a failure... like I had ruined my entire calling because of one stupid decision. I was terrified and broken. Yet there He was running from the ninety-nine to grab the one. And like the woman caught in her sin, I saw the stones lying on the ground with no accuser to be found... and my heart beat with joy when I felt the love of Jesus shining through all of my mistakes. There I was standing before the throne of grace clothed once more in white garments. I am overjoyed.

Surely I love His leadership. He restores ALL things! Psalm 23:2 He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul.

I believe that the main ploy of the enemy would be to get us to believe that we are used up and washed out. His main purpose on this earth after all is to steal, kill and destroy, right? There is a righteous indignation that I can feel arising from my spirit against the time and emotions that the devil has stolen from me. I can no longer lie on my back and watch as he runs rampant in my life, and those that I love. Today I woke up with a commitment on my heart to forever engage in combat against the one that seeks to destroy me. I will fight. This realization isn't exactly something that I've ever heard in a sermon, but rather it is something that one can only learn if they have to walk through the trials and tribulations that produce character.

If I could say one thing to anyone that is going through a period of restoration, it would be that you keep seeking His face through the difficulties. You may feel like you have been crumpled up and thrown away, but God has a specialty and that is taking those that the world would deem not fit for ministry, and use them far beyond their wildest dreams and imaginations! I have not stepped into the fullness of my destiny yet, but I believe that God in His restorative power and grace can bring me farther than I could have ever thought of in the past. Until then, my heart burns with the burden of the Lord. And I know that in seeking His face I will see the fullness of my dreams come to fruition.

There is hope.

Lovesick.

My heart has been captivated by a love so strong and so pure, and it seems that as time goes by the intensity of this love only continues to grow. I am ruined forever... a lovesick one. By the world's standard I should have to do something in order for the love to continue growing, and that I should be in some way cultivating this love within my own means, but today I've had a powerful realization. If I never did a great deed ever again, this love would still continue to grow. Wow.

You see it's not because I'm in love with any man... but rather I'm in love with the Man! The One that peers over the balcony of heaven, and is ravished by just merely one glance of my eye. His heart beats in tune with mine, and I am certain that every thing that holds my gaze here on this earth, was placed by His loving hands to ensure that I would daily fall more in love with Him.

He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords. Some call him the Prince of Peace. Others call him a prophet, and some just a Nazarene. Not only is he all of the above to me, but he's also my Jesus. My bridegroom waiting for my arrival to the wedding, best friend and brother. He is my beauty, my redemption and my hope. Greater hope do I have now that I've found this greater love! Oh nothing can compare!

I am the rose, I am the lily. I am Your's, I'm Your beauty!

Over the last few years I have been enraptured in the thought of Jesus being the one that I love more than even my own life. I have scarcely understood the reality of those thoughts, and that He desires my whole affections. But there has been a great revelation that has taken place within my soul... he desires my LOVE and my love alone! He desires my being and my every dream. It is within this revelation that I have realized that when I pour out my all for my Jesus, he then in return, pours his all over me. He is taking care of every dream he's spoken into my spirit, and he will not let those promises fall to the ground. His promises really are yes and amen!

I believe with my whole heart that what Jesus has shown me is not just for me, but I believe that He desires that His bride would come into a revelation of his love and his steadfastness. What if every person in the body had an encounter with the very real love of God? And what if from there we went on to impact the world in anticipation of our Bridegroom's return? I know that everything would have to change, everything would be different.

Our love for the man Christ Jesus and knowledge of His great love will cause a great whirl-wind to sweep nations.

Abba, would you release wisdom and revelation over every person that is in your body. That they would understand the length, width, height and depth of your great love, and from that place they would step out into their sphere of influence to change the world. Jesus, I ask that you would take up your sons and daughters to show them your love and compassion over them. I ask for dreams and visions and for a great movement of love to sweep America and the world. Abba, will you awaken hearts... awaken minds, and send forth a tidal wave of love! In your Son's precious name. Amen.