Monday, February 10, 2014

An open letter to Moms: Finding peace in the fear.


Dear Mom,

I know you're scared... I catch the fear stricken gaze every once in awhile and sense the tremble in your heart that wonders if your love will carry me far enough for long enough. I know you're scared, but everything is going to be okay. Do you know that? It will all be okay. If my heart could paint sentences my love for you would be like your favorite summer morning, sunrise all ablaze against a dark unlit sky. Coral hues and baby blues, shining against the darkness of a night that was rough against my sails. Do you see it? 

I know you've felt inadequate and imperfect, but those moments of uncertainty are some of my favorites. The moments when you didn't quite know it all, but together we figured it out. I was learning to walk wide eyed and alive as a child, and you were learning to walk all wided eyed, opened hearted as a mother. Sometimes my curiosity stretched you thin until you thought you would burst and sometimes you loved me despite the questions that my heart frequently pushed. You didn't have the answers, but I didn't know that. Do you remember the moments when I was a child and you wished me busy just for a moment of peace and quiet? I don't. I only remember those moments of love. Moments where you wished for quiet and I wished for words... and there you loved me well. In grace you held my heart just a moment longer.

You're doing such a beautifully great job. The way you love me so well... you've seen everything in me. You're the one human on this earth that has known me the longest. Your's was the first voice I heard, and your heartbeat was the first that lulled me to sleep as I floated safe in amniotic ocean. These may  not be words your heart dwells on in the midst of chaos and calamity, but they still ring true through the ages. As a child I believed your heart beat for me... as an adult I know it must be true. I catch it in your graceful gaze every once in awhile. 

I know you're afraid that time will get away from you. You see my moments at birthdays, weddings and sometimes funerals. You've seen my first steps, first win, and first kiss... moments held together by the love of a mother. Can you see it yet? Can you see the perfect portrayal of love? Can you see the moments of trying when you didn't know how to love? There He is. He is in the moments of fear giving your heart grace to beat for those curious eyes that look up in question. He is in your words as you reach out for me bruised and broken. He is in your arms as you hold a painful teenage heart... and He is the grace when you forgive me for crying hateful words in your direction. He is the perfect Parent teaching you how to love me well, and there in the heart of the greatest Father... there is a mother! You.

I'm sorry I haven't always had the eloquent words to tell you how I've felt since the first time you ever held me in those warm arms. But it rings true... how I love you! The one who has seen me all, heard me all, and still you love me! In my wickedness still your heart beat for mine... and He stood behind you pushing love hard through you in the moments when you thought you would lose it all. His arms stretched wide to love you more than you could ever love me! What a beatiful display!

So I know you're scared you aren't doing the perfect job. I know the house isn't clean, and dishes aren't done. But there is a greater accomplishment you've made. You have loved me well!

Thank you Mom!

To the moon and back!

Forever your baby. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

Eyes wide like oceans.

Alive? Breath deepening in my lungs, and I almost have to convince myself that I've been doing this since I've left placenta. Breathing. Taking in the next of life, moment by moment. Inhale, exhale. Breathing, living. Sometimes I wonder with eyes wide like oceans if I'm living or just drowning in the overwhelming life. Am I living the full life? Or am I just surviving, barely sitting with chin above surface breathing between waves that take my breath away. Wonder child in me is trying to figure this all out... will you walk with me?

The Man with fire in His eyes once said that He came that we might have life, and life more abundantly. That He came to give the full life. With arms stretched wide on beam wooden and splintered, He intended for life to come coursing through my veins. Do I sometimes squander the full life? My hands fumbling the moment of sunrises more beautiful than paintings from Picasso and I forget... I forget the eucharisteo life. The thanksgiving that brings me into His courts... the thanksgiving that brings the very life into my lungs. In the rare moments when I remember I am like child wild eyed and ablaze with wonder. How did I forget in the first place? 

My memory is like that of a fresh winter powder... beautiful and extravagent, until the sun comes and it's all wiped away. The surrounding heat of the moment melt the beautiful hand stroked painting and I won't remember again until that beautiful fresh cloud hits the earth again... and I wonder why I ever forgot in the first place. Only to forget again. Then cold stinging air hits my lungs and I remember! I want to live!!! I want to live life to the full. I want to live what that Man spoke of. Full life... this time, I won't forget.  I am set free!

Life springs humerous into the mind of created ones, reminding us suddenly to live. Sometimes we find out when our body wrinkles and bones shatter under weight of life, and sometimes we are like babes finding out when the breath in our lungs is still new. No matter the years that life places upon our frames, we are lucky to know... life is meant to be lived! And lived full. Hands are meant to bring healing to wounds deep. Mouths are meant to speak words of forgiveness forever. And eyes are meant to adore every sunset that graces that horizontal frame between earth and sky. And to utter the words between moments of living for thanksgiving to the One who came to give life, and life more abundantly. 

What if today you chose to live?  

Would you remember every moment for thanksgiving? Or would your mind play like eraser on slate forgetting every beautiful stroke of the pen? I dare you today... I dare me... to live life to the full... to inhale deep in the moment of living. I want to know what life smells like, what it looks like and what it sounds like! I want to be like Sherlock around corners with spy glass in hand waiting for the moments that I get to search out the glory of the King. And my pen will find paper, and I will write... thanksgiving to the King! 

What if today you chose to live?