Thursday, March 17, 2016

Why I Left the Church





I have left the church.

I am breaking all of the rules.

I have freed myself from the binding chains of religion.

And I have never been happier.

I can’t say that I’ve felt the physical hands of another human being around my neck strangling the life out of me, but I have felt the unhealthy spiritual hands of religion choking the very air out of my lungs. I was dying. 

For years I thought that I was just jaded, and I would lie awake at night wondering if this was the church that Christ really died for. Please don’t get me wrong, yes He died for the people in the church, despite their attitudes. But for the current institution of the church, I believe that it is far from the church that Paul the Apostle knew when he walked the earth.

Beloved, there is a strangling taking place. True undefiled religion is dying out before our eyes. Before us we have big churches, with big congregations, with big paychecks… but with small relationships and petty setbacks with the things that matter most on this earth… PEOPLE! 

My precious husband and I have watched from a distance as that one virtue was passed up over and over again. Each time I would hear the verse where Jesus talked to Peter around the fire after He rose from the dead, “Peter, do you love me? Yes, Lord; you know that I love you. If you love me, than feed my sheep.” It was so important to Jesus that he repeated himself THREE times to Peter. I figure to reiterate it as many times as Peter also denied Christ, but also to remind him the importance of loving PEOPLE

I think that we have all been the forgotten, the overlooked and under appreciated. Some have said to us to be that which you lack in your life. That our hearts should certainly desire to love others when we have yet not been fully loved or fully accepted. While I don’t think it’s impossible to love fully those around us without being loved, it seems that there is a great lack in that equation. Because those that said those very words have been the very ones who did not practice what they preached. I believe that people should be invested in, loved on and gone broke over! I believe that Jesus walked this very earth with that desire and purpose before His eyes and Paul was his very echo. 

Beloved, there is a cure! A simple and painful cure. It is called vulnerability. The very present action of bringing yourself from beyond the shadows and into the light. See buildings are full of shadows where things can hide, and I think that's what has happened in the church for so many years. We have found the dark spots where light no longer shines, and we feel safe there. But beloved, you are missing the greatest piece of the puzzle. Oh to love and be loved in return! What a beautiful picture of the life that Christ came to fulfill on this earth.

Come out from among them!

The days of building church buildings, television programs, book deals and large ministries is over. I believe with my whole heart that the desire of this man I love Jesus, is to love people and love them WELL. I came to know Christ because of one who loved me well… one who loved me well into the midnight hour when I needed the love of Christ to change me. Almost every defining moment that I’ve had in my Christian walk has been when the body of Christ has come alive to meet the needs of a broken world, and usually it happened around a kitchen table with some good food! NOW THAT’S the CHURCH!

So I’ve left the church, and I won’t be going back. I will no longer tie myself to the unnecessary bonds of religion which tell me to do things in order to be loved and cared for. I’ll love regardless of whether or not I’ve been loved, but I will not tie myself to those with empty words of investment. 
I am taking a cue from Elvis and I am leaving the building.

It is time to come around tables and love deep into the night with vulnerable and joyful hearts.


Will you join me?

*Disclaimer: Jonathan and I have not left the assembly of believers, I am simply talking about the institution of religiosities.*

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Peace of Uncertainty: Miscarraige

***After I have spent some time with the Lord about this, I feel led to share. This month, the month of October, is infant loss awareness. Though I wasn't far along at all it still has shaken me in a way that I would have never expected. I would hope that in the light of all this Planned Parenthood business and the #shoutyourabortion hashtags, we would see women arise and #shoutyourbirth. Whether the conception ends in miscarriage, still birth or a thriving healthy baby, it is still a miracle and a life to be celebrated****


                      
   



I was laying in bed this evening and I could feel my heart literally breaking in my chest. I tried to sleep and shake it off, but I knew that the Lord wanted me to get this off of my chest. I've been an island to myself, and I am learning to lean in this wilderness. 

You are faultless in your very nature, yet You understand the human mind...

And so I breathe here in the mystery. In the mystery of loss and fighting to find the gain. 

Little Gift,

Though your presence was not given to me by some positive test, something in my body knew that you were there, and as I felt you leaving me I knew that there was some greater plan for you, by a much greater God. I felt that I failed you, and that I failed myself. The questions are unrelenting and I haven't come to some great understanding yet. But know this, I love you deeply. I justify you as a real life, that died a real death. Though you were never earthside, I know that one day when your daddy and I step into eternity we will see you. And though we didn't get far in our relaitonship, it doesn't change the way that I immensly love you. 

You child, are a gift. 

For God works everything for the good of those who love Him.

I am trying to find my peace in uncertainty. 

I have pushed my husband and marriage to a place that I am ashamed of. I have kept him at arms length for fear of breaking into a million pieces. The one that holds my heart most closely on this earth and I am afraid to just break down with him. I have kept quiet. I didn't know how to talk about this, I didn't know how to mourn about this. Some deep dark voice told me to be quiet, that it was just some horrible moment in time to be forgotten. But that is a lie, and I know truth, and He is close. My heart longs for motherhood. The questions of loved ones and strangers push at the little hole in my heart reminding me that it's there. And my body flushed me clean of life and I don't know why. I want to be a vessel of life. I want to fulfill my purpose on this earth. And yet, I bled.

But there is a better blood.

He bled. FOR ME!

Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Miscarriage is an ugly shadow. The church doesn't talk about it, and women don't justify it. But I am deeply pained over it. I don't understand it, I can't comprehend it, but I trust that God is good and He will get me through it. The enemy would have me keep these words that are welling deep within my soul to myself, but I have to get it out before it eats me from the inside out. 

Your love is a furry all it's own, sweeping dust and turning feet towards home... You are kind. -Amanda Cook

My eyes are towards heaven. I am not asking for kind words, or some display of beautiful love or mercy to beset me. No, I want to give women who have miscarried a voice. Your pain is real. Your loss is real. What happened was real. A real life, taken from a real mother, without real answers. And the answers may never come while we remain on this earth, but one day when you step into heaven you will see clearly. 

But while you're here dear daughter in the trenches, I challenge you to sit down and write out your story. Don't be afraid to shout your testimony from the roof tops. God is still in control of it all.

I believe.

You turn the bitter into sweet.

***i was listening to Amanda Cook's album Brave New World, it has been a beacon in the darkness during this time.****


Monday, July 13, 2015

The Arbiter

Okay, so maybe posting this short story will help me finish it... be kind! 

-----------------

I make my way towards the crowded subway station like a robot. Every Monday I start this journey again, I walk from my small apartment on the upper east side to the subway station. The commute to my middle class, low paying job is one of observation. With my earbuds in my ears I watch everyone as they pass me on their way to pay a debt that most will never see cease. It's routine, it's mundane... and I've always felt like I was made for more. My job as a photo editor for the city's newspaper keeps my routine in check. Either I'm editing photos of cute animals that saved a woman from a heart attack, or photos of the dangerous man caught in the wrong place in the wrong time. Every moment of this life is details.

As my feet hit the pavement of the stairs leading to my train I think that today could not be any different than any other Monday. I sometimes wonder if it will ever be different. I have imaginations of the train derailing somewhere down the line, not hurting a single person, but I get to call in and tell my boss that I won't be able to make it that day. Or I'll be the one to catch a lady being pick-pocketed and I can intervene, making good of a terrible situation. Maybe it's strange that I have such a vivid imagination at the age of 28.

Then I feel the hand on my shoulder. 

I turn to face a woman that I've never seen before, but she looks eerily familiar. She has long gray hair that holds her slender face like a picture frame, and blue eyes that are so deep you think you could fall into them.  Her face is lined with wrinkles in all the right places, laugh lines and those little brown spots on her cheek bones that suggest she climbed mountains and explored wildernesses. I take her all in. My eyes are trained to see the small details, and I find her's in an instant. 

"Hello." She says, smiling from ear to ear.

"Uh, hi..." My voice seems to stammer as I realize she is intentionally speaking to me. After imagining all the scenarios in my head to make my mundane an adventure, I never imagined a simple hello.

"I've seen you every day for almost a year now, and I thought that it was time for me to say hello to you. It took me a long time to find you, but I never could work up the courage until today to say hello." Her cheeks seem to illuminate as she speaks to me, and her strange blue eyes are like pools, deep and majestic and I'm certain that I've seen them before. Why is this so weird?

My mind can't seem to comprehend this. She's seen me almost every day for a year... and she was looking for me? The questions that flood my brain are unceasing. I have to speak to her, but all I can seem to do is stare. Speak Penny, speak!

"Oh yeah..." awkwardness floods my tone. "I take this train every day to my job off of 43rd, I'm surprised I've never seen you before." I try to match her level of creepiness, but it's just not working. This lady holds a special place of strangeness in the world. My self-preservation techniques are starting to kick in. 

"I like to watch everyone at the station, but I've never seen you before." Did I really just tell her that I'm a people watcher? I definitely matched her creepiness, but on a whole other level. "I write stories about them in my head... I pretend I know them."

Okay Penny, when I said speak I did not expect you to sound like you belong in an asylum. But her eyes never stop glowing and her smile still graces her face in the most beautiful way. 

She chuckles. "Oh, your vivid imagination has not changed one bit! I do the same thing, there is creativity that brings life in the imagination of one who has not out grown it."

Her statements confuse me. How in the world does this woman know me? And why does she look so familiar to me? Where has she been hiding that she sees me every day? The questions stop in my head abruptly as I realize that I have missed my train in this strange transaction. 

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I just missed my train, I'm going to be late for work!" I'm trying to sound panicked, but I secretly have been wishing for a moment like this. 

"Well, since you're going to be late... would you like to grab a cup of coffee with me?" Her inviting smile makes me want to skip work and just go. I don't know why but I want to know more about her. I want this to be my adventure. I want today to be my moment that something happens. Then without thinking I blurt out the words that would change my life, "Yeah, I would like that. By the way, my name is Penny."

"Penny, what a beautiful name! You can call me... Mrs. H." 

She had to think about that... what her name was. I don't understand it yet, but I'm going to figure her out. 

*          *          *          *          *

I grab my phone and call my boss and let them know that I just won't make it today. Something about trying to get to my train and not feeling well, so I missed it. Thinking back on it now, the conversation did not make sense at all. My boss quietly obliged to giving me the day off since I've never called in before. I felt a pang of guilt, but at the same time I have to know what this is all about. Plus, how dangerous could an old lady be?

Mrs. H and I walk back up the steps of the station and out onto the street. This part of town seems empty as most have gone to work already, and I realize that I have never really been out on a week day. There is something so beautiful to this occupied ghost town. Have I really missed the simple pleasures in life? 

"Where do you want to go?" I ask casually as if talking to an old friend.

"There's a sweet place on the corner about two blocks down. I found it when I got here, and I go there frequently! It's a quaint little place really." 

I'm guessing she's not from the city, no one around here would ever use the word quaint. 

"Yeah, The Brewers House! I know that place, my husband and I go there sometimes to unwind after work." Suddenly I wonder if she has seen us, if she's been watching us there too. Does she know Matt? Has she been watching him too? Shudders go down my spine as I realize I am walking to a coffee shop with a complete stranger. Granted she has got to be pushing 65, but who knows what she's capable of. The voices of reason are attempting to rouse my newly deaf ears. 

I begin to imagine she has a team of men waiting out back of the coffee shop with a rusted up van waiting to kidnap me and drive me from New York to Mexico to be sold and never be seen again. My palms are sweaty and I have to wipe them off on my pants. She notices my gesture of nervousness and speaks calmly. "I haven't been in a city in a long time, well not since I came here to find you. My husband and I used to live in a city right after we got married, but we decided that just was not the life for us." 

Our small talk about simple details have brought us to the coffee shop before I could realize where we were. She holds the door open for me and we walk in together. As we pass the threshold I realize that she is the same height as me. Almost down the the tallest hair on our head. 

We find ourselves a seat in the back of the shop away from the voices of those who are already in deep conversation, or those who sit behind laptops working away. I envy those that get to work from home... I'd certainly be here every day. We sit at a small round table. The kind of table that is made for intimate dates or solo coffee excursions. I think she realizes that I'm feeling uncomfortable again because she begins to talk with that voice so full of wisdom. Soft and comforting, her words cut through me.

"Never grow old. It's not all it's cut out to be." The corners of her eyes curve downwards as I see the smile leave her for the first time since we met. "You know, it's so overwhelming that I finally get to talk to you. I've waited for so long. Mr. H was never sure if it would work, but I assured him that I'd find you. I had to find you."

The sweetness in her voice is the only thing that steadies me when she speaks strange mysteries like that. I want her to cut to the chase, why is she here?

"So, I have to ask you Mrs. H. Why exactly have you been watching me for a year? Where are you from? How do you know me?" My tone is starting to demand answers and I realize that I should probably apologize for coming off so crass, but I just can't seem to spit the words out.

"I understand how strange this all may seem. Let me tell you a little about myself. For the last 37 years I have been living in the mountains of Colorado with my husband. We packed up and moved after we realized that we just could not keep doing life in the city. Something always seemed to be missing to us. We tried hard to make it work in the city, but we were both so unhappy. We were dying for adventure. Our lives always seemed to cry out for more, and our marriage was paying for it."

The way she speaks draws me in. Her voice sounds so familiar, like someone I've know for years. Maybe I've dreamt of her, but this just seems so surreal. I breathe slow as she tells me more about her life with her husband and those beautiful mountains. My imagination paints a picture that seems almost too beautiful to behold. But it's not just the mountains that captivate me, it's the stories about her life with her husband and sweet kids. It seems to me that her life has been one that I've longed to live.

"I must be talking too much, I hardly know anything about you!" She excitedly awaits for my response.

"Oh, well... I mean, my life just isn't that interesting. Not like your's anyways." I suddenly feel the urge to make up some crazy story about my life to interest her. Something in her eyes demands honesty though.

"Right now it's just Matt and I. He works in computers and technology, and I work for a newspaper company editing photos. I am trained to make pictures look their very best. It's nothing special, but I like what I do." I look down at the table as I fumble for more words, but I realize that I'm just not that interesting.

"That sounds like a good life." Her eyes meet mine and I'm annoyed by the tone she gives me. What does she mean that's a "good" life!? It's a great life! 

I'm miserable! 

I'm bored with it.

She's right. Whatever she's implying, or what I think she's implying... she's right.

"You should really believe in Matt." Her words linger pregnant with intent. And I'm over the hiding, whatever it is she's keeping from me.

"Okay, that's enough! You have to stop this little hinting game, you need to tell me who you are or I'm out!" My face goes hot with anger. I can't stand this any longer.

My hands are squeezing my coffee mug as I wait in anticipation the words that will leave her mouth, if it were not made of ceramic I would surely crush it. Her hands reach down for her purse and I'm on edge waiting with karate like hands. I don't know a lick of martial arts, but I'm certainly ready to pretend.

She lets out a belly laugh that brings strange peace. "Calm down! I know you don't know karate, and I know I've upset you and frightened you, I'm sorry." It's funny that she knows that about me. Her fragile worn hands bring out a wallet. She begins to rifle through it as I see her grab a few small items. An old coin and some photos. What in the world, is this woman out of her mind?

"Now, what I am about to show you is not to frighten you by any means. When I was your age I went through the exact same thing, so I know the fear that is racing through you right now." Her sweet words are falling over me in a strange way.

"It's sweet that you feel like you can identify with me, but until you prove to me who you are I don't believe you for a second." My tone still strikes angry. Fearful anger racks my body as I'm prepared for this lunatic to be on with it already.

Those hands worn with adventure slide the old worn coin across the table. I pick it up and my eyes have to adjust for a moment as I take in all of the information on the tiny keepsake. As soon as I pick up the coin I recognize it. My fingers turn it over and over again. I reach down for my wallet and remove the coin that I've had since I was a child. My grandfather gave it to me right before he passed away. It was an old WW2 Navy Coin. He was given the coin for his honorable service in the war. It was a one in a million item, or so he told me. 

Then it hits me.

I begin to shake as I look up at her and realize why I've known her. 

The coin is identical to mine. The same spots from years of wear, and not to mention her convincing hiding spot. As I turn the coins over I see the name that I was waiting to see. Bruce A Worthington II. This is impossible.  

She's me.

"I know you. I am you." The words slide gracefully from her mouth like they were practiced for years. 

This is insane. Either I had too much to drink last night, or I'm dreaming. Maybe I'm even in a coma somewhere and this is the life that I have imagined for myself to make everything more interesting. Leave it to me to make a coma interesting. 

She senses the sliver of doubt still present in my mind and slides me her driver's license. I pick up the Colorado state issued ID and see her name and date of birth. Everything matches. I have got to wake up.

"I know this seems strange, but it's true. When I met you last you were my age. It really took some convincing for me too, and she warned me that it would be more difficult with you. I suppose this has been going on for some time now." Her words still sit strangely smooth with me. I can't even begin to think of words to say to her. 

"Here are some photos I think you should see." She slides them face down to me, four photos in total.

The first picture I turn over is a man in his early 50's it seems. The photo is worn, but the smile on the man is one that I'm ever so familiar with. It's Matt. Even at that age he has a way of captivating me. The only strange thing is that the Matt that I know is in his late 20's too. I'm terrified to even turn over the last three. I have an odd feeling that these are lives I have yet to know.

The first one is a girl, and in the photo she looks to be around 17. Though I've never met her before I would recognize those eyes anywhere. Those deep blue pools reflect back at me and an ache shoots through my chest. She has Matt's forehead and chin. Her long beautiful hair covers her shoulders, and I know immediately that she is mine. 

I can't wait any longer, I turn over the last two at the same time. Each is a photo of a boy. One who looks to be 15 or so and the other around 12. My boys! I've seen them before in dreams that I have had, but they were never this old. I see the familiar twinkle in their eyes that I've seen a million times before when I've looked at Matt. It's such a joy to see them, but my heart beats hard at the ache I feel over them. Tears start to roll down my cheeks. 

"Matt and I have had trouble getting pregnant. I was certain we wouldn't have children at all." I haven't settled this whole situation yet, but something in me gives permission to be honest with this version of myself. I begin to shudder and shake my head. This is not real.

"I just... I don't believe it, I've been drugged... this isn't possible. Time travel is not real." I stammer my words as I push myself away from the table. 

"Pen, wait... don't go. I really need to talk to you. Things are not okay where you're at right now. You can't stay here. You have things to do." 

She's reeling me in again. Why is this happening? 

"You have to make a decision Pen, what's it going to be?" 

There she goes demanding something from me again.

"I can't... I just..."

My heart is pounding in my chest... I am demanding arbitration... from myself.





Saturday, June 20, 2015

The Battle Within


There's a cry rumbling from the deepest parts of my soul. I can feel as it shakes me wide awake. It's been a long time since I've listened to the cry. 

It started as I saw myself standing shattered before Him. Like velvet His voice whispered to my soul, "Baby girl, are you okay?" With eyes wide and heart abandoned I look up at Him and say "No, I'm not okay." I. Am. Not. Okay. And He nods in full acknowledgement of that fact that He already knew. In His sovereign love, He knew. I am left undone, standing with feet cold on sea of glass and I know that this is only the beginning. 

My not okay-ness is rousing my soul to ask soul-stirring questions that demand answers. Answers that only lead to more questions. Sunsets that only lead to more sunrises. The day in, day out mundane is being blown apart by this realization that I am not okay right now. It's not a "I'm not okay, please help me.", it's a "I'm not okay, don't help me, this is how it's supposed to be!" This small moment of clarity has shown me the depth of my incoherency for the last midnight hour. But oh beloved, how the sun does rise!!! 

The Church is TOO okay. He is whispering that same deafening question to her, but instead of responding in a way that would provoke a depth charge she instead smooths over the question. What this beautiful bride doesn't realize is that she is not okay, and although her bold-faced statement in lieu of brokenness cries "DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, I AM OKAY!" Her heart cries in reality "I am not okay!" I know. I know this cry.

I am her. I have been her, this broken bride. And now I wait and listen for the sound of the cry to arise. Here in this moment of coherency, I can hear loudly the true cry of my heart. I am not okay that the church hurts in a way she has never before with unprecedented numbers of uncaring members. I am not okay that the plumb line has been removed in light of rising tolerance. I am not okay that love has been replaced by some faux fairy tale of a Christ that won't judge sin. I am not okay that my heart BURNS to be loved!! I am not okay that I have yet to see the more.

You see this is the battle within my soul, to sit idly by while inside I am dying. Dying to know why I am not okay. Dying to know why He already knows how to ask me the questions that provoke me to burning. He is pushing me to provoking... provoking His bride to awaken from this slumber and find peace in the "not-okayness" of her heart. 

I challenge you beloved, if you are "okay" with where you are let Him ask you if you're okay. Let Him prod your heart into a place of heat. Warm your soul to Him, hunger and thirst again. There is peace in not being satisfied. 




Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Wife: Protect his heart.

                               


As I was innocently scrolling through my Facebook this morning I happened upon a post that someone on my friend's list had liked. You know, the post that randomly jumps out at you while you're just trying to mind-numbingly scroll down the page. Yeah, that one. 

I've seen too many to count... and too many have been "liked" or "shared" by people on my friend's list. Let's lay aside my basic concern for those who like or share these posts, as they proclaim Christ, and get to an issue that is altogether bigger than we may realize. While I typically report these posts to Facebook in hopes to stand for righteousness and truth, and I usually get a good response from Facebook and they remove the item, but today was a totally different story. They told me that while my concern had been heard, they deemed the post safe to be on Facebook and fine to be seen by their community. Whomever that may be. 

What was the post you may ask? Well the subject to the video said something along the lines of (and I paraphrase) "If God didn't create women to be looked at..." and proceeded to show women as they "twerked" with their backsides exposed to a man who watched. And we're talking a room full of women in front of this man. 

Stop.

Stop right there. My heart lept out of my chest and I broke instantly for those women! Those women who were not only being objectified by the man in the video... but then also that same objectification being perpetuated all throughout social media! WHY!? 

Then I heard very quickly and sternly in my spirit, "Krystle, what would you do if Jonathan saw this before you?" 

I sank.

I quickly reported the video as inappropriate, but all I could think of was, "what if my husband had been innocently scrolling through Facebook too and happened upon pornographic material?" I couldn't bear the thought if I had just kept on scrolling, ingoring that post... and ignoring all the men's hearts out there that I have a right as a Christian woman to protect. No it's not my job to police the internet, but I am called to stand for righteousness and truth in the atmosphere that I have influence over. After all, we are called to be thermostats, not thermometors. We mustn't just judge the temperature of a culture, but rather be ones who change it!

We must be a city set upon a hill! 

One of my roles as a good wife is to protect my husband. To protect his heart, and his mind... to help guard him from the schemes of the enemy. With lust and perversion running rampant in our society I must stand watch with him over the temptation to sin. Wives, we fight this battle with our husbands together! If you think for a second it is only their fight, then we have been sorely mistaken. We are called to help protect the intimacy in our lives... and anything that comes between that is like a wedge forcing two hearts away from each other. One body, one flesh, one fight... together. For marriage. 

And if you're not married... you still have a right to protect the men around you. Those hearts belong to someone else. They are someone's husband. Someone's father. We can help them win the battle if we help them protect the importance of purity and holiness. 

As for Facebook... I don't think I'll be on much anymore... it's disappointing to see a "family" friendly website allow such trash into their community. I will continue to report and flag anything that I see in hopes that I can at least protect the man that protects me. Praying for peace and restoration to those that struggle with this.



Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Are you pregnant yet?

        



I'm 24, I have a handome husband, beautiful house, a dog and two children. My life is what I always dreamt it would be... everything has worked as I always thought it would have!

What a beautiful life! 

It's only a dream, a wish of what could have would have been... if only I had stuck to the plan. The reality is I am 28, I have a handsome husband, a beautiful apartment and two dogs... quite a stones throw from where I once dreamed I would be as a little girl. And my heart aches...

It's hard to explain the pain that I feel when I have to answer questions about pregnancy, family and children. And I know that no one means harm, but my heart still beats for my desires to be fulfilled, and I know they will be one day, however right now... it hurts. Ever since I can remember I have dreamt of being a Mommy and raising a beautiful family while LOVING every second of it. There was even a time in my life when doctors and my parents were unsure that I would even be able to conceive due to the possibility of having Turner Syndrome, and I will never forget the day that I found out that I was normal... it was a beautiful relief to a grief that I had carried silently with me from childhood. Though I was barely a teenager when I found out I would be able to have children one day all I could do a lot of times was dream of what my family would be like one day. 

I had it written down on paper... every detail! Names, genders, house design... you name it! Everything was leading up to the biggest let down of my life! Or the life I had created in my head according to Western Christian standards. It wasn't a let down all at once, but it was year after year after I had turned 24. That's when the questions started. The questions that would thwart me into a place that I wasn't at yet... questions that would always try to give me a title that God hadn't given me yet. It started with friends and family asking if there was a "special someone". And in my line of sight... there was NO ONE! No one seemed to fit that bill of "husband material". After the questions started, my heart began searching... everywhere. I would watch guys at church as they prayed or worshipped and I would think "is that him? I like the way he worships/prays..." or "I wonder if he knows I exist, maybe I should pray in front of him, surely that would attract him." These questions bombarded my heart long after they were asked, and I tried hard to push them down. 

It was by the grace of God that I was able to ignore these questions for a time after dealing with day to day anxiety and heartache of still being single. Through tears at night in conversation to God I would tell Him that this wasn't how I planned it all to go!

Then I met him! Handsome husband came waltzing into my life... well he was boyfriend and fiance first, but it seemed like out of nowhere he appeared, even though I knew him for years as a friend before we ever considered any type of relationship. It wasn't long after our simple commitment became public, and before I knew it family members were asking me if he was the "one", and though I answered that I thought so I really had no idea. The Lord confirmed to me over the course of our relationship that he was in fact the one that had been chosen for me, but even before I could say "I do." there were those who were beckoning me into being a wife long before I had rightfully had been given the title of one. It was hard to have a chance to be girlfriend and fiance when the questions and standards around me were forcing me to think of marriage before it were even an option. 

So then we were married... we have rented a beautiful little apartment, and although we had each other we felt the need to add to our little family. We weren't quite ready yet for parenthood, so we got a dog! And then another! Everything seemed to be going well, but no matter what friend I hadn't seen in months or what family members I had the honor of visiting with, the questions started to come again. The catapulting of titles were thrown onto me that I hadn't been given the honor to carry just yet. This fateful question started just moments after we were married even. Before I could ever see boxers on my floor inside out, before I could ever hear belching after a delicious meal... and before I could ever share my life with this man I just gave my life to. 

At first it didn't bother me because I had asked this quesiton of friends who were recently married too. Innocently enough I had conversations with old roommates about starting a family, while forcefully putting in my two cents of when they should try to have children. It just seems like the natural filler question for couples who have just started their lives together. But little did I realize the damage it was doing to my heart... until recently it was asked of me.

"So, are you pregnant yet? When are you guys going to have children?"

The question hit me hard as I saw an old friend standing in front of me holding her belly with child, and there I was with just my husband and two dogs. And I found myself with my husband at the local grocery store breaking down in the salsa aisle because I wasn't fulfilling my calling as a woman. Now don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed and overjoyed at what the Lord has given me at this point of my life. But it was as if my heart couldn't help but go there. That dream where I am 24, with a house, husband, two kids and a dog. And then I snap back violently into the present and there is a deep aching in my heart for what I know is a promise yet to come. I have come to realize that these questions have been forcing me to imagine titles and giftings that the Lord hasn't allowed me to step into just yet for whatever reason... and I am learning how to grieve while trying to conceive. I know that while although Jesus has given me hope for tomorrow, I still have to deal with my flesh that desired things long before they were in existance. 

I desire children. They seem so close that I can almost reach out and grab them, but yet it is still not so in my life. You don't have to ask if I want to start a family, or if I am pregnant. I already feel the burden of being a mother, long before my children will ever arrive. This is my purpose in life. 

There needs to be grace for new wives. We need your moments of interest in our lives, and not questions desiring answers that we have no clue how to answer just yet. We know that you are just being kind and caring about what you think fits our best interests, but there are some of us who just haven't gotten there yet. We don't need the title of mother when we are just trying to walk out wife. Or even just girlfriends not yet wives. Questions are good, but just let us soak in who we are created to be for the moment. 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

In all Chaos, Peace.

        

How do I find You here? In the midst of the storm, where do I look for You? These gale force winds are knocking me hard. My mind feels more like a bloody battlefield than a storm crossed horizon. While there is beauty in a lightening filled sky... a bloodied field is terrifying. Men die, and families grieve. I'm somewhere between storm tossed and fighting for my very life. The grieving process has already begun.

And all I asked was for revival to come. 

Why doesn't anyone ask these questions? Why aren't more wives grieved over the fact that they don't know how to do it? There's no answers... and my heart is searching hard to find them. Alone. Who cries the crucified ugly cry for revival? 

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

And so I find myself dying. There is a strange pulling in my heart that says not to let go, that says to maintain the face, maintain the "good life". But in all of the beauty of desiring the Kingdom of Heaven there is an ugly forcefullness that desires a sacrifice. The heave of breath upon the altar that says, "I will gladly spend and be spent..." just for Your Kingdom, oh great King. 

But terrified my eyes look into the horizon. Bright flashes of lightening and peels of thunder nearly split sky from earth. And I am dandelion waving in the wind... seed spent until all is gone. And this is where beauty happens... in all the seeds falling to the ground alone... and I am seed falling to the ground to die. Everything changes so quickly... and before my heart can have time to grieve the time spent as a flower... the sprouts are coming forth. Hundreds of beautiful seeds that died alone, yet now bear forth beautiful flowers. 

It's a beautiful image that passes before my eyes... and although the answers come, so do the questions. There's no book or "how to" on welcoming revival into your home while folding laundry. There's no class or lecture on how to love your husband well while pushing through into the Holy of Holies. And the flesh of my heart would say that I can only do one well... and at the end of the day I choose to love Jesus well in hopes that I would love my husband well. Most voices would spill complements or even suggestions from their lips, but there's no heart of a woman that I know that is pressing in for the answers... how do I steward revival and my home well? If my husband is called to reach the nations... how do I reach our little nation first. This little nation, the tribe of our family. The hearts that will one day mean more to us than any other on this earth. 

Jesus I want to see human trafficking end! I want to see abortion end! I want to see revival in the earth! But I don't want any of those things if I cannot see my family before the throne with eyes beholding Him highly exalted. Our one day family standing upon the sea of glass in adoration to the King. 

How do I find You here in this Jesus? How do I learn to be a mother now? How do I learn to stir up and host revival now? In this place, in my storm. Help me find peace.