Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Are you pregnant yet?


I'm 24, I have a handome husband, beautiful house, a dog and two children. My life is what I always dreamt it would be... everything has worked as I always thought it would have!

What a beautiful life! 

It's only a dream, a wish of what could have would have been... if only I had stuck to the plan. The reality is I am 28, I have a handsome husband, a beautiful apartment and two dogs... quite a stones throw from where I once dreamed I would be as a little girl. And my heart aches...

It's hard to explain the pain that I feel when I have to answer questions about pregnancy, family and children. And I know that no one means harm, but my heart still beats for my desires to be fulfilled, and I know they will be one day, however right now... it hurts. Ever since I can remember I have dreamt of being a Mommy and raising a beautiful family while LOVING every second of it. There was even a time in my life when doctors and my parents were unsure that I would even be able to conceive due to the possibility of having Turner Syndrome, and I will never forget the day that I found out that I was normal... it was a beautiful relief to a grief that I had carried silently with me from childhood. Though I was barely a teenager when I found out I would be able to have children one day all I could do a lot of times was dream of what my family would be like one day. 

I had it written down on paper... every detail! Names, genders, house design... you name it! Everything was leading up to the biggest let down of my life! Or the life I had created in my head according to Western Christian standards. It wasn't a let down all at once, but it was year after year after I had turned 24. That's when the questions started. The questions that would thwart me into a place that I wasn't at yet... questions that would always try to give me a title that God hadn't given me yet. It started with friends and family asking if there was a "special someone". And in my line of sight... there was NO ONE! No one seemed to fit that bill of "husband material". After the questions started, my heart began searching... everywhere. I would watch guys at church as they prayed or worshipped and I would think "is that him? I like the way he worships/prays..." or "I wonder if he knows I exist, maybe I should pray in front of him, surely that would attract him." These questions bombarded my heart long after they were asked, and I tried hard to push them down. 

It was by the grace of God that I was able to ignore these questions for a time after dealing with day to day anxiety and heartache of still being single. Through tears at night in conversation to God I would tell Him that this wasn't how I planned it all to go!

Then I met him! Handsome husband came waltzing into my life... well he was boyfriend and fiance first, but it seemed like out of nowhere he appeared, even though I knew him for years as a friend before we ever considered any type of relationship. It wasn't long after our simple commitment became public, and before I knew it family members were asking me if he was the "one", and though I answered that I thought so I really had no idea. The Lord confirmed to me over the course of our relationship that he was in fact the one that had been chosen for me, but even before I could say "I do." there were those who were beckoning me into being a wife long before I had rightfully had been given the title of one. It was hard to have a chance to be girlfriend and fiance when the questions and standards around me were forcing me to think of marriage before it were even an option. 

So then we were married... we have rented a beautiful little apartment, and although we had each other we felt the need to add to our little family. We weren't quite ready yet for parenthood, so we got a dog! And then another! Everything seemed to be going well, but no matter what friend I hadn't seen in months or what family members I had the honor of visiting with, the questions started to come again. The catapulting of titles were thrown onto me that I hadn't been given the honor to carry just yet. This fateful question started just moments after we were married even. Before I could ever see boxers on my floor inside out, before I could ever hear belching after a delicious meal... and before I could ever share my life with this man I just gave my life to. 

At first it didn't bother me because I had asked this quesiton of friends who were recently married too. Innocently enough I had conversations with old roommates about starting a family, while forcefully putting in my two cents of when they should try to have children. It just seems like the natural filler question for couples who have just started their lives together. But little did I realize the damage it was doing to my heart... until recently it was asked of me.

"So, are you pregnant yet? When are you guys going to have children?"

The question hit me hard as I saw an old friend standing in front of me holding her belly with child, and there I was with just my husband and two dogs. And I found myself with my husband at the local grocery store breaking down in the salsa aisle because I wasn't fulfilling my calling as a woman. Now don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed and overjoyed at what the Lord has given me at this point of my life. But it was as if my heart couldn't help but go there. That dream where I am 24, with a house, husband, two kids and a dog. And then I snap back violently into the present and there is a deep aching in my heart for what I know is a promise yet to come. I have come to realize that these questions have been forcing me to imagine titles and giftings that the Lord hasn't allowed me to step into just yet for whatever reason... and I am learning how to grieve while trying to conceive. I know that while although Jesus has given me hope for tomorrow, I still have to deal with my flesh that desired things long before they were in existance. 

I desire children. They seem so close that I can almost reach out and grab them, but yet it is still not so in my life. You don't have to ask if I want to start a family, or if I am pregnant. I already feel the burden of being a mother, long before my children will ever arrive. This is my purpose in life. 

There needs to be grace for new wives. We need your moments of interest in our lives, and not questions desiring answers that we have no clue how to answer just yet. We know that you are just being kind and caring about what you think fits our best interests, but there are some of us who just haven't gotten there yet. We don't need the title of mother when we are just trying to walk out wife. Or even just girlfriends not yet wives. Questions are good, but just let us soak in who we are created to be for the moment. 

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