Sunday, August 23, 2009

finding joy

Today has most certainly changed my life. In fact this last weekend of summer for my students has shown me more of God than I've seen in the last few months. With my head resting upon my pillow I find myself astonished before my eyes find sleep. My heart is just so peaceful and content in this moment, when in the last few weeks its felt tumultuous and battered. Don't ask me why, its just felt explosive inside for awhile.

I suppose I'll fill you in on why today has been so life changing... well today I was beyond blessed enough to witness God give joy back to one of my students that has been fervently seeking it for ages. I watched in an instant as God put a smile back on her face, and I literally felt heaven shake inside of my bones. Lauren has been through so much the last year, and I've watched (mostly silent) as she's had to feel her way through growing up. It hasn't been until the last month or so that we've gotten close enough to do life together. But I watched a broken and bruised girl void of the God joy she desired, turn into a woman full of the faith and profound joy of heaven. It was absolutely breathtaking.

The forward to this event would probably seem to make a lot of sense though... so here it goes. Nearly 9 months ago Lauren and I were at onevoice (the college and career service at our church) and there was an altar call for something, I don't recall now what it was for, I just knew that she needed something, and I wanted to pray. Thinking back on it now... we weren't very fond of each other at the moment, but still I wanted to touch God's heart for her. So! I ask her what she wants prayer for and she says for God to give her joy back. It was almost in an instant that God gave me eyes to see something in her that I had never seen. I saw her present self and this "smile" and "joy" weren't genuine, they weren't her's. Then it was like flash forward and I saw Lauren... Lauren as she was supposed to be. It was crazy! So that night was powerful, we prayed for joy, but that was about it. And I honestly forgot about it until today...

Everything was exactly how I saw it... except the smile on her face, it was ten times better in real life, face to face! There's something about watching the girl you've been praying for months turn to you and you just see God all over her. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to laugh or cry. My life was changed in that instant because I knew then what it was about not giving up on someone when they need you. Especially when it comes to bombarding heaven... I knew that God heard my prayers, but to what extent... I had no idea He listened so closely.

My heart has been expanded and filled with love today. I have been changed by witnessing one girl, on the brink of change, finally "get" it. God, that is. But the coolest part is watching the change, seeing the growth and knowing that one small commitment to just be there for someone can be the thing that changes it all!

God is so good, so faithful and just, and I am so crazy in love with the fact that I get to serve Him and His purpose!

Nothing will be the same.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Faith in Control

My excitement for the week was stifled by three simple words, and I don't know how to, in this moment, figure out where everything is going. It's so funny how we think we have everything figured out, and in a split second every planned moment of the future is changed. Some might say that is the beauty of God in control, but I say that it scares me. My deep rooted fear of God being in control of EVERYTHING has been screaming inside way too loud as of late. I am afraid of giving Him everything, because I'm scared that all my decisions up to now will become null and void.

My conscious mind tells me that I am clearly not making any sense... and I am left thinking that I'm the only christian that's ever walked through this sort of thing in my faith walk. I know I'm not, but why are we so quiet about being real? Why is it so rare to hear that someone is afraid to give God complete control? All I ever hear is that these saints never have any troubles, and life is peachy. Sad thing is, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is not in the slightest true.

On Thursday I got real. Over coffee and near tears I fought the desire to keep everything hidden, but I chose rather to let it go. I walked away knowing that people do go through these things, and I'm not nearly as insane as I thought I was. My mentor and I talked life together, and I was relieved to know that she's a real person that goes through real life things like I am too. I don't know why, but she helped me breathe a little. And as I said in my last post reminded me to put feet to my dreams. Part of that dream is giving God his control in my life, granted it's already his to begin with.

After thinking about all of this, I wonder if this is the problem with a generation. So often they have been left in control. Their parents have stepped back in most regards, other elders in their lives have stepped back... and basically gave them a ball and told them to do with it what they will. Funny thing is, as much as they like to be in control of everything, they are silently wishing for someone to come show them the way. I wonder if this all started with the latch-key generation... I can't help but think that the devil smirks when he sees a teenager think that they can do life on their own. Sadly without God in control we ultimately fail. Game over. I wonder what this generation would begin to look like if they realized suddenly WHO was in control after all. Is this the concept that one must get? The basic premise of faith?

After all faith in Hebrews 11 constantly speaks how people acted out in faith with the knowledge of who was in control. By faith Moses parted the Red Sea, without knowing God was in control, would have he even attempted the same feat? By faith Abraham offered up Isaac as a sacrifice unto the Lord... to the very point of the dagger hovering over his very flesh and blood, the promise of his inheritance's chest. Would Abraham ever even considered the possibility without first knowing without doubt that God was in control. No, I believe not.

I am just baffled by the obedience, even to death, that some of the characters in the bible went through with because they knew the control of God in their lives. I could go on and on about others doing the same, and I suppose they are just a testimony to the faith that I should have in my God being in control.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

God is in the rain.

Yesterday I imagined life differently for a few moments. I closed my eyes, breathed in deep and immersed myself in a world that I knew that I'd never be a part of. I thought about life in paint brushes and canvases. I dreamed of pursuing my words to pieces of paper. I dreamt. And then I woke up. Do you know what its like to wake up, and yet feel like you still didn't get enough if what you needed while you were dreaming. Yeah, I know!

I challenge myself to pursue my dreams, but I know there are God dreams, and there's my dreams. Gifts and passions God has placed inside of me... to, I think, enjoy life a little bit more. To sit down and capture His sunset onto paper, or write about His stars that shine so clearly above me in the night. It hit me yesterday how lucky and blessed He has made me because He's given me the ability to capture something that others might not even take the time to see.

I just want to write it all down, and dream big, but someone very special to me reminded me of something powerful; until you put feet to your dreams, that's all they'll ever be. It's shaken me a bit, I must say... because although my head is here on earth, more often than not I am found dreaming. Head in clouds, and not wanting to come down. Today I think the plane landed, and I'd rather run than fly.

Here goes nothing.

Today I heard a song that I haven't heard in years, and it took me back... and reminded me of how I feel in these moments. I breathe.

Monday, August 3, 2009

the rio

So, I have failed at my hopes and dreams of someday becoming famous via my super cool blog. For how can one be super cool if she never writes in said blog??!! Yeah. Epic fail!

Well this is all besides the point! I have temporarily retired my two-wheeled friend for something a little larger (literally "a little") and has four wheels! Wednesday will be my two week mark with my lovely little 2006 Kia Rio, and I couldn't be happier... well besides the fact that she currently has no radio! It has been such a sigh of releif to no longer ask for rides, or have to pedal/walk myself around in 800 degree Texas weather (and no, I am NOT exagerating!) Over-all life has been blissfully pleasant the last few weeks!

I have been challenging myself to write more, and it has changed a lot for me! Feeling the desire to sit down with a pen, some paper and my mind or heart really sets me ablaze, and I often forget how much of a creative release it is for me to just write. Sometimes I have no motive for what my pen strikes upon paper, and at other times I am motivated to write something great. It's that Gen Y desire in me to change the world. One verb at a time!!

I have been thinking about a lot of controversial topics currently, and writing about them, and so far I've only been brave enough to write about alcohol. I have found that students in general are drinking more prevalently than ever... and it honestly freaked me out when I learned that I knew some of them. Not because I wanted to condemn them... but because I know the damaging factors that lie within drinking and alcohol in general. So I wrote... and people discussed. I don't know what my next topic will be... I guess I'll see where the devil makes me mad next! Hah!!

Well off to officially start the day... at noon!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

down to two wheels...

So, I'm a blogging from the blackberry (and for the first blog since probably mid college days, forever ago!!) at starbucks. I was just skimming through some of my friends blogs and had the sudden desire to be one of those "b" list internet celebs via my super cool blog... *cough* it can happen!!! Don't squash my dreams squanto!

You're wondering about the title you say? Yes, well as of late I have no vehicle... well no motorized vehicle at my disposal. Sadly the saturn I had for nearly 8yrs went on to car heaven, along with the cars of yesteryear. It was hard to see Lucy go, but the transition was made easier by an old high school teacher (that looked me up on facebook) that let me graciously for the past three months use their car. Unfortnuately the time came last weekend that I had to return the beast back to her rightful owners. So long story short....

I am riding a bike around Irving!!! I never actually imagined that it would come down to such an occurance, alas I am fairing quite well for pedaling my lil self everywhere. A car is hopefull upon the horizon. Though I do feel I would miss out on all of Irving's spectacles I normally miss while driving in my own little world, encompassed in music or a phone call. Like today for instance, I saw about 5 people in motorized wheel-chairs gather together in a circle...doing what I imagined as a meeting to take over the world one motorized wheel-chair at a time. I couldn't hear the nitty-gritty details of said meeting (because of the ipod), but I imagine it was of upmost importance.

So riding my bike isn't so bad, though I do look forward to the freedom that driving will bring back to me. I desire independance, and I've always had an ever-present urge to just drive... with a bike I can only ride until my legs become jello.

Well that's what is up as of late...more will come when I can tap into someone's laptop. Heh. Heh. Heh!!!!!!!