Tuesday, October 11, 2011

And the darkness cannot comprehend it...

I feel like I am walking out of a rehabilitation center today, and learning for the first time what it means to walk again without the assistance of crutches.

Though this statement make not make sense to most, I know that there are those out there that have felt my pain and discouragement. And though I have been reluctant to start walking things out again on my own... I will. Today I felt like God has released me from the heat of the center of the refiners fire, and allowing me to once again shine with the beauty that He created me for. I am overjoyed, yet terrified..

You are a diamond, beautiful and refined. It's time to shine.

The last four months of my life have been the absolute hardest that I have had to walk through since I have been redeemed. But I know that God works all things together for the good of those that love Him. I don't exactly understand why things transpire the way that they do, but I do know that He has me in the center of His hands. I will choose not to lean on my own understanding, but rather on His, the one that has so graciously loved me through every trial and tribulation.

I must say that I have learned so much, but the greatest of all is that I cannot lean on man to bring me through the tough times. And that those that you think will be there to walk you through a certain season aren't always the ones there walking with you through the fire. My heart has learned grief, sorrow and yet such great joy by walking through these moments, and I know it was all for my good. I have lost relationships that I thought would endure till the end, and I have regained those that I thought were lost forever. It's hard for the human heart to endure loss, but I know that Jesus himself lost even some that he was closest with. His heart's cry though, was to carry on despite the trial, and yet an even greater cry... "that they would be with me where I am."

My heart cannot fully comprehend the light that He has shown into my life lately, but I know that I see through a mirror dimly right now. I will understand one day. I will understand that every tear was not in vain, and I will see Him face to face. No more tears. No more pain. Standing before the King of Glory, I will be fully known and fully loved.

If I could say a word of encouragement to anyone that is walking through a trial or a test, it would be that you stay the course that you know He has planned for you. It may be hard to focus on the prize ahead, but remember that He is with you... even when you cannot see what is in front of you. Through the valley and through the pain, He is faithful until the very end. There may not be a single person walking with you through the darkness or the fire, but it is in those moments that He is closest to you.

God is close to those with a broken and contrite heart.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Nor do I condemn you.

I hear the words clearly in my ear today as I am thinking back on what has been, as of late, one of the hardest seasons of my life.

“Nor do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” John 8:11

My heart is filled with such hope and joy at the promise of a better tomorrow and fulfillment of the destiny that Jesus has placed within me. I have found such grief in the last three months over the realization that I could have learned all of the truth available to me, and yet still mess up. I don't understand sometimes the reasoning over the decisions that I have made in the past, but I do know that there is One who does know... and He knew the decisions before I even stepped forth.

I guess that I am writing this because I feel like self-condemnation has been my portion for the last few months and I am awakening today with a new revelation of the love and mercy of my Savior. And I know that I am not alone in having these feelings. My heart is reminded through so many stories in the gospels where Jesus stepped out and reached the ones that no one else wanted; the screw ups, the broken and the forgotten. All for the sake of love.

Nearly everyday I was waking up feeling like a failure... like I had ruined my entire calling because of one stupid decision. I was terrified and broken. Yet there He was running from the ninety-nine to grab the one. And like the woman caught in her sin, I saw the stones lying on the ground with no accuser to be found... and my heart beat with joy when I felt the love of Jesus shining through all of my mistakes. There I was standing before the throne of grace clothed once more in white garments. I am overjoyed.

Surely I love His leadership. He restores ALL things! Psalm 23:2 He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul.

I believe that the main ploy of the enemy would be to get us to believe that we are used up and washed out. His main purpose on this earth after all is to steal, kill and destroy, right? There is a righteous indignation that I can feel arising from my spirit against the time and emotions that the devil has stolen from me. I can no longer lie on my back and watch as he runs rampant in my life, and those that I love. Today I woke up with a commitment on my heart to forever engage in combat against the one that seeks to destroy me. I will fight. This realization isn't exactly something that I've ever heard in a sermon, but rather it is something that one can only learn if they have to walk through the trials and tribulations that produce character.

If I could say one thing to anyone that is going through a period of restoration, it would be that you keep seeking His face through the difficulties. You may feel like you have been crumpled up and thrown away, but God has a specialty and that is taking those that the world would deem not fit for ministry, and use them far beyond their wildest dreams and imaginations! I have not stepped into the fullness of my destiny yet, but I believe that God in His restorative power and grace can bring me farther than I could have ever thought of in the past. Until then, my heart burns with the burden of the Lord. And I know that in seeking His face I will see the fullness of my dreams come to fruition.

There is hope.

Monday, April 25, 2011


My heart has been captivated by a love so strong and so pure, and it seems that as time goes by the intensity of this love only continues to grow. I am ruined forever... a lovesick one. By the world's standard I should have to do something in order for the love to continue growing, and that I should be in some way cultivating this love within my own means, but today I've had a powerful realization. If I never did a great deed ever again, this love would still continue to grow. Wow.

You see it's not because I'm in love with any man... but rather I'm in love with the Man! The One that peers over the balcony of heaven, and is ravished by just merely one glance of my eye. His heart beats in tune with mine, and I am certain that every thing that holds my gaze here on this earth, was placed by His loving hands to ensure that I would daily fall more in love with Him.

He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords. Some call him the Prince of Peace. Others call him a prophet, and some just a Nazarene. Not only is he all of the above to me, but he's also my Jesus. My bridegroom waiting for my arrival to the wedding, best friend and brother. He is my beauty, my redemption and my hope. Greater hope do I have now that I've found this greater love! Oh nothing can compare!

I am the rose, I am the lily. I am Your's, I'm Your beauty!

Over the last few years I have been enraptured in the thought of Jesus being the one that I love more than even my own life. I have scarcely understood the reality of those thoughts, and that He desires my whole affections. But there has been a great revelation that has taken place within my soul... he desires my LOVE and my love alone! He desires my being and my every dream. It is within this revelation that I have realized that when I pour out my all for my Jesus, he then in return, pours his all over me. He is taking care of every dream he's spoken into my spirit, and he will not let those promises fall to the ground. His promises really are yes and amen!

I believe with my whole heart that what Jesus has shown me is not just for me, but I believe that He desires that His bride would come into a revelation of his love and his steadfastness. What if every person in the body had an encounter with the very real love of God? And what if from there we went on to impact the world in anticipation of our Bridegroom's return? I know that everything would have to change, everything would be different.

Our love for the man Christ Jesus and knowledge of His great love will cause a great whirl-wind to sweep nations.

Abba, would you release wisdom and revelation over every person that is in your body. That they would understand the length, width, height and depth of your great love, and from that place they would step out into their sphere of influence to change the world. Jesus, I ask that you would take up your sons and daughters to show them your love and compassion over them. I ask for dreams and visions and for a great movement of love to sweep America and the world. Abba, will you awaken hearts... awaken minds, and send forth a tidal wave of love! In your Son's precious name. Amen.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Without love.

What do you do?

I am so certain that we, as a church, are in a moment of dire calamity. It seems as though everywhere I look there is death and destruction. Ministry is no longer a show from a stage in a building, but rather a case of life and death... and unless we are awoken to the state of affairs we will miss out on the great opportunities that have been placed before us. There is a great plague that is killing off the children of God... and instead of being enraptured by the love of the Father, they are entangled in sin. And dying.

The last year of my life has been in witness of the fact that things have become drastic. Or maybe they've always been drastic, and my eyes were not yet open to that truth. As my feet have tread upon waters of uncertainty I have become brokenhearted as I've realized that I am the one that carries truth, and yet have kept it within the confines of my heart. Herein lies the greatest revelation... if He's in you, you've got to let Him out.

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There has been a spurring of my heart towards these convictions and I would like to pay tribute to someone that I never met, and yet my life has been impacted by her life so greatly. Her name is Tam, and for a long time she was just a Facebook friend to Jen that I heard about occasionally, but as time went on she became a sister that I felt ever so kindred to. And although I never once got to see her face, hug her neck or even speak with her, I feel as though I knew her quite well. Her fight was short, yet not in vain... and I can honestly say that she impacted my life forever.

Tam went to meet Jesus today and to see her baby Levi and Carrie again. I am torn by great joy and deep sorrow because I understand the contrast and fragility of life in this moment. She may have only been given months with Jesus here on this earth, but she has stepped into eternity with her savior. The beauty of imagining that moment alone is so precious for me... to imagine her seeing Jesus for the first time, and feeling his tangible love for the first moments... how powerful. She may have not had the opportunity to really feel the love of God here on this earth, but I know for sure that she is being ravished by His amazing love right now.

I am looking forward to the moment when I will be able to sit near her in heaven, and tell her the impact that she had on my life.

Girls like Tam are my motivation for ministry... lives that were once in disarray and yet God came in and changed everything. Just as in the book of Ruth, I watched as Tam and Jen were a modern day Ruth and Naomi. These girls are just looking for someone that they can follow, and for someone who carries the love of “your God”. The simplest, yet most complex emotion on the face of the earth is the one that pulls them out of the depths of depravity and into life every time, and I know that lives like her's are so fragile... and if there is one there are thousands more. We must take up the same ministry that Jesus himself carried... to seek and save that which is lost.

If we have not love, we have nothing at all.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

For such a time as this.

As I sit here on my last night in the Big Apple I am struck by a thought that I believe, could change everything. As long as we understand that we have the power to change the world but never do it, our circumstances will forever remain the same.

This week in New York City has been eye-opening and awe-inspiring to say the very least. Standing before men and women at the United Nations has made me realize that there are so many out there that desire change, and have great ideas to see great change, but yet we are still seeking the same answers year after year. After all this was the 55th Commission on the Status of Women thus far. If we had great ideas to change the world in which we live then I do believe we would not need 55 yearly conferences on the status of women in the world around us. This week I listened as men and women from around the world presented ideas on how to make our world a better place, and yet I was slightly confused as to why nothing had yet changed.

I suppose therefore lies the truth of the matter... only the power of God can ultimately change the world around us, and until the church is awakened to this truth nothing that we have desired to see will take place. God we need you to change us so we can change the world! A simple prayer to a most complex problem...

So... from the beginning.

Arriving in New York City I couldn't quite get over the fact that I had been brought to the very place that I had been dreaming about since I was a child, and not only were my dreams fulfilled, but the Lord had brought me forth as a voice to speak on behalf of those that could not speak. Initially I dealt with a lot of fear and feelings of inadequacy as I tried figure out, in my flesh, the plan that God had for me over the week that I would be in New York City. But as I sought after His heart for the nations of the world, I realized that never in my own adequacy would I be able to speak on behalf of the many voiceless throughout my generation and the nations of the world. A journey that would spark change in my life was about to begin.

As our team got together to pray we were asking God for such divine moments, and strategic plans to take down the enemy in such a high sphere of influence. From the first time I entered into the United Nations God was giving me incredible divine appointments, and I couldn't quite grasp who He brought me into contact with. I was speaking instantly with delegates and ambassadors from over nearly 50 nations of the earth, and not only was I speaking with them, but we were brainstorming over the magnitude of violence against women and children in their nations (i.e. trafficking and abortion)... in those moments we were coming together with like minds trying to figure out a solution to the many problems that are plaguing our world today. Of course there were those that were not so like-minded, but God was so intentional in who He set me up with over the week. Our team together was set on a path for influence... God was taking “nobody's” to “somebody's” in merely moments.

Collectively our team was able to come before ambassadors, delegates and NGO's with a workshop that would inform those attending on the real horrors of Sex Trafficking and the world of pornography. To see the faces of those attending the workshops I realized that they were being made aware of the depravity of the world that we are living in today. Reality was sinking in deeply as our panelists shared the incredible wealth of knowledge that they had on the subjects at hand, and I was praying that now that there was a realization of the problem maybe there would come a great responsibility to fix the issues that we were presenting. Holy Spirit was using our words as a loud speaker to rouse the ears of a deaf world. And they were listening...

Not only were we able to present on bringing life and liberation from bondage, but we were also able to sit in on other NGO led sessions to hear their agenda for bringing world wide change. As I attended the other sessions (apprehensively, I must add) I watched as the presenters were full of a passion much like mine... whether they were on the other side of the fence or not, I realized that there was no longer a “us” and “them” mentality ruling my mind. Here we encountered men and women who very much believed with all their hearts the different agendas that they were standing for. There was a passion to see change that transcended all of the issues and no matter what you stood for, you were there because you wished to see great change take place in the world, whether that change was right or not. I understood in these moments the importance of biblical world views and the blue print for a biblical run government. Passion without a God sent vision will always send the people into confusion and disarray. I have come to a great understanding that desire fueled by everything but God will bring you to a place of frustration and emptiness every time. Hence the great number of Commissions on the Status of Women. It is time for the bride, His church, to awaken with great passion to see change take place in our governments all over the world. Now is our Esther moment.

My prayer after leaving New York is that we would come together as a body to see biblical examples come forth in the governments of the world around us, and that together we would arise as a generation of righteous, holy saints with a great desire to see the Kingdom of Heaven manifest on the earth. I believe with my entire heart that God is calling us as voices to speak on behalf of those that cannot speak... and even more that He is extending His scepter for us to come before Kings and Judges to proclaim freedom to the captives. Our voices will be heard, and God will come forth in righteousness and judgment... He's just waiting for us to speak.