Friday, September 25, 2015

The Peace of Uncertainty: Miscarraige

***After I have spent some time with the Lord about this, I feel led to share. This month, the month of October, is infant loss awareness. Though I wasn't far along at all it still has shaken me in a way that I would have never expected. I would hope that in the light of all this Planned Parenthood business and the #shoutyourabortion hashtags, we would see women arise and #shoutyourbirth. Whether the conception ends in miscarriage, still birth or a thriving healthy baby, it is still a miracle and a life to be celebrated****


I was laying in bed this evening and I could feel my heart literally breaking in my chest. I tried to sleep and shake it off, but I knew that the Lord wanted me to get this off of my chest. I've been an island to myself, and I am learning to lean in this wilderness. 

You are faultless in your very nature, yet You understand the human mind...

And so I breathe here in the mystery. In the mystery of loss and fighting to find the gain. 

Little Gift,

Though your presence was not given to me by some positive test, something in my body knew that you were there, and as I felt you leaving me I knew that there was some greater plan for you, by a much greater God. I felt that I failed you, and that I failed myself. The questions are unrelenting and I haven't come to some great understanding yet. But know this, I love you deeply. I justify you as a real life, that died a real death. Though you were never earthside, I know that one day when your daddy and I step into eternity we will see you. And though we didn't get far in our relaitonship, it doesn't change the way that I immensly love you. 

You child, are a gift. 

For God works everything for the good of those who love Him.

I am trying to find my peace in uncertainty. 

I have pushed my husband and marriage to a place that I am ashamed of. I have kept him at arms length for fear of breaking into a million pieces. The one that holds my heart most closely on this earth and I am afraid to just break down with him. I have kept quiet. I didn't know how to talk about this, I didn't know how to mourn about this. Some deep dark voice told me to be quiet, that it was just some horrible moment in time to be forgotten. But that is a lie, and I know truth, and He is close. My heart longs for motherhood. The questions of loved ones and strangers push at the little hole in my heart reminding me that it's there. And my body flushed me clean of life and I don't know why. I want to be a vessel of life. I want to fulfill my purpose on this earth. And yet, I bled.

But there is a better blood.

He bled. FOR ME!

Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Miscarriage is an ugly shadow. The church doesn't talk about it, and women don't justify it. But I am deeply pained over it. I don't understand it, I can't comprehend it, but I trust that God is good and He will get me through it. The enemy would have me keep these words that are welling deep within my soul to myself, but I have to get it out before it eats me from the inside out. 

Your love is a furry all it's own, sweeping dust and turning feet towards home... You are kind. -Amanda Cook

My eyes are towards heaven. I am not asking for kind words, or some display of beautiful love or mercy to beset me. No, I want to give women who have miscarried a voice. Your pain is real. Your loss is real. What happened was real. A real life, taken from a real mother, without real answers. And the answers may never come while we remain on this earth, but one day when you step into heaven you will see clearly. 

But while you're here dear daughter in the trenches, I challenge you to sit down and write out your story. Don't be afraid to shout your testimony from the roof tops. God is still in control of it all.

I believe.

You turn the bitter into sweet.

***i was listening to Amanda Cook's album Brave New World, it has been a beacon in the darkness during this time.****

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